– Thursday 15.08.2012 / 00:00 am
Somethign i ask myself everythime the same question all the time, why deserve some people so much hate in their life, they cryed all the years, hasnt much friend, divorce of the parents, get bullied over years, lost everyone, stopped eating, start puking out everything what they eat (eating disease), start cutting just loose the reason to life anymore …
Yeah Welcome in my Fucking Life ….
Thats all happening in my life every single fucking thing ! Kinda sad right !…
Sometimes i wonder that im still here and breathing .. i never had a perfect childhood or a good Teenager life, i can remember my mom was reall sick i was 8 years old and she need to left me for 2 month and this was so hard for me that she left me, the first time we talk via phone i start crying all the time and said she needs to come back but she cant, at this time the whole shit starts to begun .. in year 2000 my mum wants the divorce and this was really hard for me then at this time i saw my dad the last time this is now 12 years ago 😦
At one site i hate him so much, i never wanna see him again or talk to him, but there is this little thing in me that just want a hug just wanna know how it feels to get a hug from your own dad 😦 but this will never happend …
.. the bullied thing starts at grade 6 i hear so many words through the years and also at this time i stop eating for a while, or when i needs to at something i puke it directly out, i never told that someone i did it for 2 month and lost 15pounds .. but my ex best friend helped me out of this situation … after school i never heard anything from her nothing 8 years friendship for nothing !!
at this time i also start to hurt myself with so many things .. i really had some plans how i can bring my life to an end .. i really planned it the letter for my mum was written .. but i didnt ! I Never know how it feels to have a real family my whole family break up in 2000 after the divorce of my parents … still now the fact makes me really sad … its a divorce between the Adults not the kids !!!
I Know that no one can fix my sould my heart is also fucked up, who can really love when he just know what hate is, how it feels to get bullied, to cut everything ….
I Lost my friends all from school the couple that i had ! .. I never had much friends !! At afte all that i start eating a lot i just search some look in the food i know theres never a better life with it . now i know that and i wish i never start eating that much, after years im now at a point where when i lokk in the mirror and start cryin what happen to me .. i try now to loose all this weight but its really hard to loose all that sometimes i think for what ! I dont know 😦 …
I mean who love someone that look like i am at the moment who they are all just laughin ! .. Thats it !!
I start searching in music a reason to live, i try to find some happiness ! and i DID ! at these hard time i found one Band they helped me with their music with everything and these boys are the reason why im still here and breathing i talk about Simple Plan. They defently saved my life i know them now for 10 years …
I know that i cant change my past .. the life at the moment in 2012 is maybe also not much better at the moment but maybe someday im happ, i wish im happy …
Well Last year in Frankfurt i heard th first time from Sons of Midnight and trough these Band i finally found Girls who i really love and they love me for that what i am, i just know them since this year some off them since end of April but im so thankful for this girls they are there for me and im so thankful for them … i start to have some happy times i thought okay now i can start to be happy but then ..
The past me was back .. but this time really bad : ( .. so many bad things happend this year … 12 years without my dad, i lost my job, then these stalker girl, i start to be really depressiv, crying over days/weeks and dindt stoped, and everything was against me, and this time i tryed it again bought some pills to kill me just to stop this life cause i didnt say any reason to stay here on this world, but this girls stopped me and also the singer of the band SoM, and im still here well
maybe to live a life isnt easy but i think it should be a little bit easier why i need to fight for everything WHY !!! .. I need to promise Conrad that i never do that again cause then hes getting mad ! .. i really try to hold that promise but on days like this one i really start thinking about it again to bring it to an end to stop it ..
would i be missed, who would miss me, this thought all the time through my head … but then i think hey they are these wonderful 5 Girls outside, that i really love and care about i cant let them alone here i need them and they need me, we need eachother and ther are these wonderfull 5 aussies i defently would miss them and their amazing music they helped me a lot .. so i must stay strong, i must smile and be happy I MUST !
Well i cant believe that i all write that down whats in me and what happend in my life, maybe you understand me now better, i know its not that what some people want to read but this is me
Last at the end .
I know how it is to get bullied, cut, puke everything but you must find a thing in your life that gave you a reason to live Maybe my soul never get fixed, my heart will never run perfectly but all what i can say people who i love and care about, i never stoped love them and being there for them cuase they are my life and reason why im here and breathe.