The probertly biggest and most important decisions i need to choose in my life, in the next few days maybe weeks, but so soon as possibole is better

… Well …

.. I know that i need to choose now a way how my life
will continue ?

Which way i wanna choose ?

What comming next ?

and to know that i need to choose a way which i wanna run, scares me as hell .. Cause i know i could choose the wrong way and xcould hurt people or could lost people ?

I never talk to this here with anyone, cause this i need to choose for myself, complete alone, then this decision would change my life .. A New life, a new part of it ..

The last 23 years of it was not the best ones sure i had some good times but when im honestly i had more bad as good ones .. Someone said a life and what you going through make you out ?

Well this would explain why im such a emotional mess and wrack ! .. Everyone has these shit people in their life and you always pray when they start to let you alone ..

Now im at a point where i have three options in my life and i dont know which one i should choose cause this decision would be my new life, my new start

1. I still could stay here, at thome find a new job and try to life my life as it is atm, try to make it better and hope it will, but 23 years sucks so why should it change it now ?

2. I wanna move to Berlin, 540km away from this problems that i had here in cologne, i start a new life, put everything to 0 and learn about all that what happend and try to make it better as now ?

3. In the last 4 weeks i really thought about that to leave germany forever, and when i mean forever then really forever, i just would come back to meet my mum and my friends for a couple weeks thats it. I know it would be so hard, harder as i actually knew, me alone in a complete diffrent land far away from here, diffrent languages everything. Say goodbye to my Mum and my couple friends, goodbye to my old life ?.


Hard Decisions to choose, but i wish this would be my only problem 😦 ..

I know that i still have a tough way to go, but first of all i must try to fix my life, to fiy all my problems and i know i cant take this by my own, i need help, professional help, maybe some now think im insane or whatever but when you live my life you also need professional help, for me was it not easy to really choose it to search for professioanl help ..

But alone i will not fix everything, nothing, i cant lay every night in my bed and cry all the time about my fuck life and everything … in the last weeks/month i told my girls all the time im fine its getting better and better but i lie, i lie cause i dont want that they are scared about me. I know i did in the past some stupid stuff. and thats why i said nothing.

But now im at a point where im at the end of my physical excistens, im exhausted about everything. For me its not easy to write this here ..

In the last days/weeks i also got the feeling that i loose the conection to my girls completly, sure that we not everyday anymore is okay but it feels like i would talk to stangers and this is scary, just with 2 girls i really talk and there are now closer to me as they ever was, im just scared to loose the other 2.

We have a whats app group on my mobile i put this on mute cause why should i write something when sometimes no one react ? .. so maybe she will stay for a long time on mute and i write every 3 or 4 day something we will see 😦 ..


… Help .. ???

Sarah ..


When your Heart Start to Break, cause Thing change it and you Cant do Anthing against it.

Hello Reader …

In the Last days i Realize some Thing which im Not really happy about.

Sure the time Chance some Things how do you See them and what do you feel. But for me in now at a Point where i dont think i get back to the Old happy days to Spread the Love or to do Anthing Else.

In me theres so many emotions like sad, Angry, confused, dissapointed,

For me its Hard to Trust People Specially Stranges but this Year i statt to Trust New People i Meet i thought maybe i Need to give them a Chance.

But i See they didnt deserve this .. its like they told all the time just stuff to Make me (us) happy, i did so much we all but but know its like we are Not Worth it anYmore , i just can speak from myself .. im really dissapointed and sad, and im now at a Point where i say

Who Cares, they dont wanna know how we feel so why should i wanna know Whats with them

And actually i dont wanna See them back here or everywhere for me my Heart is Broken and im Not sure if anYone can fix this cause its serious.

I really dont know we are just People in Germany that it. Stupid People they did everything!

And also the Connection to my New Friends Start to Break for month/ Weeks we Talk everyday about everything and now i just Talk to 2 People each Day , and the others yeah really Talk about stuff every 2/3 Day so it changed so many

And its like i Cant do Anthing against it, everything what gave me a Reason to Fight, to live Breaks .. everyday a Little Bit more 😦

I dont wanna Loose Everyone again and stand there Alone Not again really im Not that Strong enough to going through all this a Second time

So That is all in me in my Head and in my Life … just Drama like always …

someday i stop to believe that everything will be back like the Old days i dont believe to that anYmore cause so many ( Bad ) Things Happend

xxx Sarah


The Most weirdest Autograph Session Ever

Hey Readers πŸ™‚ ..

This time i Write about something about i was a Little Bit shocked honestly …

Yesterday in on the 22.9.2012 was a Autograph Session from One Direction here in Cologne the First time that These Guys are in Germany and the only time .

Im Not really a Fan of them sure i Listen to some Songs of them but Thats it an i thought sure why not i go to the Session.

I was there with my 2 Friends, we was there at i think 9 am and there were Over 1000 People the First 800 got an Autograph but hello …
9am and so many People ?????
Some of them where already at 3am there and sleep there .. and i think whole Europe was there i saw some
Dutch, British, france, belgium Fans there.

I didnt Expected that so many People are there at 9am !!

so me and my Friend Decided to Drink a coffee and come back so ..

we Came back at 11 am and there were over 2500 People maybe 3000 already an the Organize think about that was terrible mit enough Police People and all that it was a Mess … but After hours more and more Police People where there …

the Autograph Sessions actually should Start at 4pm but the Boys Came at 4:45pm and Leave At almost 6pm i mean hello just 1hour 15 for Autographs ??? Not Long would i say …
Yeah and the Fans where Crazy really Crazy idk how I should Subscribe that !
the didnt gave the Little Fans the Chance to See them the People in the back Cant See Anthing cause they Holding papersigns up and From the actually 800 Autographs just get 400 they Autograph ! i stand in the back cause this Drama was Not normal Sorry

sure Everyone can love the Own Band but it gave a Limit i think i mean for me theres a Limit ..

Well yeah and the clothing Choice From some Girls … i just thought are u kidding me ?? Skirts end under the Butt , the Boobs alread Out of the Shirt High Heels seriously ???
These Girls was just 12/13 .. u dont Need to clothing yourself like a ( slut ) to get Attention i say the Boys would. like you also with Jeans an a normal Shirt

and BTW by 8 degress its also healthier to Wear more as that .

so That was is it was interesting to See them in Real but i Couldnt enjoy That really cause These Girls are to Crazy to enjoy really….

Xxx Sarah

These pictures are Not Mine but there are From the Day found them in google πŸ™‚



How Important is the Music for you and how does she helped you ?

Hey Hey my Beautiful Readers πŸ™‚

How are you today ?

This Blog is about something what is for me really Important in my Life, i Talk about the Music.

For me is Music more the just some notes, or a melody.
Music is for me a Important Part in my Life, she helped me in so many Ways, at so many Hard and sad Moments.

I know that i completly Trust the Music she alwas Know what to say and what i Need to hear, Music is my Life.

Everyone has their Favorit Bands, their Favorit Song who he can Listen to when hes sad or just Need something to get up. Music is everywhere in the tv in the Radio, in the SupermΓ€rkte everywhere πŸ™‚ Music bring us People in a Good Mood by the right Songs.

Music can give us something what maybe some People Cant give us.

When i Listen to Music i can smile or cry With some Songs you Share some Good or sad memories, its like the Movie themes when you Listen to can you feel the Love Tonight by Elton John i think Directly about the Movie Lion King and how sad this Movie is and im getting sad or when you Listen to the Fame Movie theme you wanna Dance πŸ™‚

Music Makes us Most of all happy and er Dance to them. πŸ™‚ Everyone Shared his Own memories with them :-).

Without the Music i Never Meet this People know who i Share my Life, i Love Music and always will Love her

It Doesnt care what Music you are Listen to, its your Music you Love to Listen πŸ™‚
if Metal, Rock, Punk, Pop or a Special Band or a Singer it Doesnt care Stay to yourself and the Music you Listen to

Cause she can help you where some People Cant πŸ™‚

What Means Music for you ? Leave me a Comment πŸ™‚

xx Sarah


Friends that i call Family

Hey Readers :-),

This New Blog goes to my Friends, is about my Friends or over my Friends.

In the Society is it Hard to Find Real
Friend they would Love you for who you are, i know that cause i had
in the past wrong Friends or better Not really Friends just People i Talk with ..

I just wanna say when you have People around you they dont Love you for who you are ! Give a Shit about These People cause you deserve better People πŸ™‚

I found this Year the Most wonderfull People who i Ever Could Meet, i Meet them through a Band that we all like One of them is from Bayern call Tiffy she was the First i Meet in Real πŸ™‚ she is so Sweet πŸ™‚ always funny with her πŸ™‚

Then my Monkeys obsessed Girl Sophie, i Talk or Write with her everyday she is such a Sweet Girl my Little One πŸ™‚

my wonderfull Biene :-). my sp girl my Berlin Girl u can have with her so much Fun and she Love to Bake haha πŸ™‚ with her i Decided to go to the Berlin Show where i Meet 2 other beauty Girls

my Horror girl my twin my Kiwi πŸ™‚ called. Claudi haha i really Love her she is so Sweet and with her i have the Most Award conversations Ever bur i Love her for that πŸ™‚

And Last but Not least my
mΓΆpschen Elli Gosch i really love this Boobie girl she is so Sweet and cute i Could cuddle her the whole Day πŸ™‚

Well when i found Girls like i found in my Life and when u can call them
SoulSister, your Family your Life … Fight for These cause they are Ever Single pain worth it

These Girls gave me so much strength, and so much faith for my Life πŸ™‚ im so thankfull that i Meet These wonderfull Girls

We live almost all so far away from each other but what Means Distance when you know that you have Sisters in whole Germany You know you See them Soon back and while the. you Talk a Lot with them or write

Just Fight for These persona like i do im
always there for my Girls an always will

Cause These Girls are ..
my Love – my Faith – my Life – my strength – an my family

xxx Sarah


Mood change .. from Bad to Good from sad to happy

Hey Readers :-),

This is probertly the First happy blog of me .. well some of you Readers know that i had in the past a Lot o Problems and was really down/sad.

i Cant describe what really Happend in the Last Few days, But i Feel myself so Good i can honestly laugh and smile make Jokes everything, i dont know what Happend or what i really do but since a Long time i Feeling myself happy πŸ™‚

i wish i would knew how this mood change Happend then i would knew when the next im sad what I can do to make myself better to smile everything .. i maybe think i can smile Because

i had a Lot of stuff in my Head and Cryed a Lot and actually i dont Want to be happy .. but now my Head is Free of all that, i give up to care about unless Things or just stupid Shit, at the Moment theres just the Important stuff in my Head that i really care about ..

and it work i dont know if this really the Reason is why im now happy and all that i just think this Could it be …

maybe ist Sounds Hard now but i also forgot to Miss These 5 people far away i still Love them from with my entire Heart and always do, but i think Hey they dont care how we feel at the Moment so why should i care ? maybe it Sounds mean but this is how i think .. sure im happy when they someday be back but i think they come back bext Year Not earlier they are still 2,5 month left from this Year .. we will See ..

But Hey i have here in Germany the best 5 Reasons to smile and to care about and they Need me, These 5 Girls are the best Thing that Happend in my Life, i Love them truly my Heart Belongs to them …

This Year Happend so much Good and Bad at the Same time i Meet these wonderfull Girls, had some Trouble, saw the Boys so often, lost my Job, and more ..

But now i need to Look Forward a Lot of stuff is On the Way so much to do πŸ™‚ so a Little Thing from me to you

Everyone has Problems a Lot of Shit but find People who you truly Love and care and they help you to bring your smile back to you Face and laugh with you

my Little Mood change Blog i Hope some more happy ones comming πŸ™‚ thank you for Reading

xxx Sarah


Listen to songs they were they talking about your life ..

Who knows that you start listen to some songs and while you listen to them it feels like they would tell you your own story about what you going through Γ³r what happend right now ? ….

Its like they would be you imaginary diary, everything what ever happend in your life, really bad moments or some happy moments you listen to this song and you kno what this person mean with itΒ  . ? A Song about our own life, a song that helps you at the same time cause you see they are other people they know about that what you ve been going through .. and they get out of this they are strong and you know i can be strong too,

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I have also some songs when i listen to them it feels like i would know about what he is singing and what hee feet while hes singing this songΒ …

It gave so many songs over the world and there for each person this song or maybe song(s) who can help themself to get out of a down or maybe just make them happy .. When you found this song(s), keep it in your mind and in your head .. and when you are sad or just need something what makes you happy ..

Then listen to this song on your Pc, Ipod or whatever closer your eyes and just listen .. it gave so much moments when you need just a little bit time for yourself, in this moment listen to them ..

Cause this song can give you more then you ever expected , He give you hope, strenght then you just need it most at this time ❀

xx sarah


Mistakes stay as a Mistake

For me its Not that Easy at the Moment to Write this here down.

I thought i m Strong enough to get away from all this, Strong enough to stay away from all this, but yesterday proofs me im NOT !

Im Not Strong enough to stop to destroy myself, i will Never be Strong enough to stop, im Weak and i know this, at the moment im maybe so Weak as i never was .. The Bad thoughts are back .. the hate when i Look in the mirror is back .. the hate against myself is back …

i Doesnt know what excacly Happend why this all is back, i dont know … im Scared that im so Weak that i Cant Hold my Promise the Promise to stop with it, to stop to kill myself with Pills ..

I know that im Not far away to do it again, i might Sounds Award its like i would feel that its gonna Happend i dont know …

But i Must stay Over all that i Must think. about These Little Good Things in my Life .. theres Not much but a couple .. I Need to Look back, back to the happy days back to the happy memories, but some of These
memories feel so unreal when i thonk about them .. like a Dream …

For month i Promise myself to stop Cut, i really Want to get away from it, and i really Start to believe that, that i get away from all that but yesterday proofs me i never get away from in i did or again After month and for this Moment in feelts so Good, everythin was Good , there were just me no Problems just me … i know its Not right at all to
do These, but its better to Take Pills right ?
well actually not Both its
Not Good in a Way …

In the Last Weeks i Started to Feeling myself more and more Alone here, Sire i Talk to my Girls But ist wasnt like always ita was more they Talk and i just read it what they Write, like they would Talk Infront of me but Not with ??? …

maybe this is just a Illusion but i Started. again stop Talking really about that Whats going on in me, about my Problems everything i just Show them the Hey im ok Site with a Fake smile in me but in me i was and still be a completly Mess …

I Miss the Love, the hugs the Kisses everything where is the Love gone ? Does she come back to me where should i Need to search for them ..

Can anybody
here me ? or i am
Talking to myself

i know this here is nothig what someone wanna read about a Person But this is a Part of me and Sadly always will … i dont think that i will fid a Way Out of all this here, to start a New happy Life ???

but what is really a happy Life ?



When thoughts dont let you sleep

Its 03:15am and i Start to Write this here…

I dont know why i already Start to Write this here Down its just they are These thoughts and they dont let me sleep they are there since Weeks and i dont know what to do …

What did i reached in my ? Which Way should i Take ? What Happend next ? What Happen in the next couple years ? where i gonna live ?

All that is in my Head all Day all Night maybe Thats the Reason why i Cant sleep anYmore ? I m not sure !

That is all what i know !

I mean i wanna
reach something in my Life, but Sometimes i ASK myself, as what should i work still as a Florist what i learn or maybe something complete New ?

Well that is all in my Head …

Xx Sarah