… Well …
.. I know that i need to choose now a way how my life
will continue ?
Which way i wanna choose ?
What comming next ?
and to know that i need to choose a way which i wanna run, scares me as hell .. Cause i know i could choose the wrong way and xcould hurt people or could lost people ?
I never talk to this here with anyone, cause this i need to choose for myself, complete alone, then this decision would change my life .. A New life, a new part of it ..
The last 23 years of it was not the best ones sure i had some good times but when im honestly i had more bad as good ones .. Someone said a life and what you going through make you out ?
Well this would explain why im such a emotional mess and wrack ! .. Everyone has these shit people in their life and you always pray when they start to let you alone ..
Now im at a point where i have three options in my life and i dont know which one i should choose cause this decision would be my new life, my new start
1. I still could stay here, at thome find a new job and try to life my life as it is atm, try to make it better and hope it will, but 23 years sucks so why should it change it now ?
2. I wanna move to Berlin, 540km away from this problems that i had here in cologne, i start a new life, put everything to 0 and learn about all that what happend and try to make it better as now ?
3. In the last 4 weeks i really thought about that to leave germany forever, and when i mean forever then really forever, i just would come back to meet my mum and my friends for a couple weeks thats it. I know it would be so hard, harder as i actually knew, me alone in a complete diffrent land far away from here, diffrent languages everything. Say goodbye to my Mum and my couple friends, goodbye to my old life ?.
Hard Decisions to choose, but i wish this would be my only problem 😦 ..
I know that i still have a tough way to go, but first of all i must try to fix my life, to fiy all my problems and i know i cant take this by my own, i need help, professional help, maybe some now think im insane or whatever but when you live my life you also need professional help, for me was it not easy to really choose it to search for professioanl help ..
But alone i will not fix everything, nothing, i cant lay every night in my bed and cry all the time about my fuck life and everything … in the last weeks/month i told my girls all the time im fine its getting better and better but i lie, i lie cause i dont want that they are scared about me. I know i did in the past some stupid stuff. and thats why i said nothing.
But now im at a point where im at the end of my physical excistens, im exhausted about everything. For me its not easy to write this here ..
In the last days/weeks i also got the feeling that i loose the conection to my girls completly, sure that we not everyday anymore is okay but it feels like i would talk to stangers and this is scary, just with 2 girls i really talk and there are now closer to me as they ever was, im just scared to loose the other 2.
We have a whats app group on my mobile i put this on mute cause why should i write something when sometimes no one react ? .. so maybe she will stay for a long time on mute and i write every 3 or 4 day something we will see 😦 ..
… Help .. ???