My Year 2013 a little flashback to everything what happend


Hello People,


Another Year is over, another drama ends .. lets end this year with a big bang or a big hangover. This year was probertly for me one of the stressful and hardest years ive had. Im Glad its over and i hope the new one 2014 is a little bit better to me as 2013 was.

As you know from my 2012 Post i seperate each month in a blog so its better to read. But what i can happy say 2013 wa defently  a big concert year for me so lets start with my little throwback of 2013.

I will link in each month my Blog post that ive post in that month might you miss something interesting.


January :

A New Year a new start right?. Well at this year started i knew it cause number 13 in the year thats this Year dont be a good one to be honest. Gladly my Year started with a new Concert from a German Band Called “Jennifer Rostock”, when you understand german you should check them defently out. Ive done my best to get a new Job i really tried and at alomost the end of January i had finally some Luck at my Site ive got a new Job as a Florist it should start in Febuary and i was really happy about it.


Febuary :

My new Job begun i was really really happy about it, i had a really really nice workmate and whe had together a lot of fun sadly we had a hard winter in this Month, normally i love Snow but this was really hard i mean at Valentines day Snow not really good huh?. Also the Month stated with a Amazing concert from the Band Natives/We the Kings, they are really good live. For me then point ive got a job was really important i had finally something to look forward to to have something to get out of the bed and all this, to start a new chapter of my lfie, i really thought finally ive got some luck in my life. At Valentines day a really hard day in my Job as a Florist, i had a Concert at the end of my 11Hours Workday i was really exhausted but totally was looking forward to it, it was from The Blackout/Set it Off/Yellowcard, the first time i saw each of them live. Ive spent this night with one of my most important friends in my life called Miss Sophie, we had a wonderfull time together. At the end of Febuary ive went to another Concert, yeah 3 concert ina month are allot haha it was from Blitzkids/Lower Than Atlantis the 2 time i saw Lower again aqnd they totally killed the show.


March :

A Happy Month i finally got some new colour under my skin, finally At the beginning of March ive got the writing ” Never a failure always a lesson on my right chest and at the end of the month 3 Butterflys, its not done already there a many more thigns that get ad to it but its all really expesive so i need to wait to get more.


April :

Sadly at the end of April i lost my new job,  cause my ex Boss need to close the Shop where i worked so i was back with no job, it really depressed me after this cause obviously i was not even be able to have a Job and some Luck in my life, i was really sad about it, i had fun at this place :/. I tried my best to not fall back into a bad mood again and im not proud of it that i cut in this time a few times again, im really not proud of it and no one really knows abaout this, i just felt worthless and too dumb to even hold a stupid Job i know it was not my Fault but i felt really worthless that i didnt done my best what i can :(. I was just alone in this tough time. I was glad that i concert kind of helped me to stop cutting, a Band called Imagine Dragons, their song Demons is my song he has one of the most beautiful lyrics from their record ..

Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Thats just a snipped of the Song but it really helped me and still has now at the end of the year a huge Positive vibe for me and it helpes my kind of when im falling back into the dark times to not to cut to be strong and to stay it.


March :

The new Month without a job … yeah that was kind of hard for me .. i went to a concert at the beginning of the Month from We are the in crowd/Never Shout Never, yeah i had fun there but it was not like the same time to be honest … normally music is the thing for me that helps me a lot when im sad or when no one is there to talk to, Music helps me in so many ways, sometimes my situation and how i feel dont understand everyone thats also why i stopped to talking about all of my problems in my life, sometimes they dont seem to care about it or they dont understand it, its always the same thing always.

June :

A Happy Month beginning, i took the train to my babes in Berlin, i really missed my babes so much, i really hate the distance between us, it makes it all not really easy, i wish they would right next to me and i would be able to see them every single day, spent so many hours a day with them and just cuddle them all day, but how we all know life sucks and they live 540 km away from me. Ive meet them last Year and im really happy about it we are all really close with my babe from Euskirchen and from Ebern, no one can ruin our friendship that we have and always gonna have. Its a connection between us thats hard to explain really, we meet and we already knew we have so many things in common and a invisible band between us that no one could ruin or cut. Ive spent a whole week in Berlin and had really much fun up there i went to Missys Birthday with my gal Claudi and we had a wonderfull cosy night. The day i left Berlin was for me really sad, i already missed these wonerfull gilrs  i knew that i saw them really soon back but it hurts everytime.

And this soundcloud message in my Link here is a relly impressing thing i mean listen to it and tell me what you think, its kind of scary somehow

yeah i post a lot in june

July :

What to say about July it was atually a really quiet month, i tried to survive this month, not much happend just the event here Kölner Lichter an event to celebrate some fireworks in cologne, i went there with my beautifull gal Sophie, Jenny and Isa, at the beginning we had a lot of fun, we drunk some cocktails and laughed a lot at the end so about 2 hours before everything started, a men tried to piss me off and the other i tried to annoy some people and pushed us away from our place so whe had no chance to see the firework sometimes people ask me why i hate people so much well this is one the reasons there are all big douchebags and piss me off. After that Event we went to a Cocktail bar and drunk a little bit and after might 2 hours we went home, it was a really sweet day. That was it actually this month. My Lovley Elli introduced me a guy called Dan and he made Youtube Videos and this was the beginning of a really intense addiction.

i Didnt even bloged in this month.

August :

A Quiet lame month i spent probertly 30 days in my bed and was  much depressed about everything adn the whole world.

September :

A really good Month Kind of, my babes from Berlin visted me here in my Hometown cologne and i could show them where i live. My First Babes claudi came in the last week of september to go with my and Sophie to an Concert of Set it off/Tonight Alive. She brought her friend Sarah with her she is a really sweet girl im friend with her too :). We had there a lot of fun. We jumped and screamed sung all the song from the Boys after their performance we went to the Merch and bought some stuff from them and waited outsied to meet them, we waited really long some of them thought no one would love to see them so they went back in the house but we ask one to get them out and luckly the came out so we made some pictures got some autographs these boys a really really nice we had a wonderfull time there. It always make me extremly sad when my babes need to leave me again me and Sophie brought them to the Bus station and had a heartbreaking goodbye. I went with Sophie and some more friend to the concert at Saturday to Sleeping with Sirens/Hands like House/ The Getaway Plan/ The Summer Set sadly my body decided to hurt like fuck and i need to leave early so i dindt saw much of the show.


Another wonderfull Month my babe Missy visited me for a whole week in my hometown and i was really really happy about it. It took her probertly 7 hours to be here with me but i was really happy to have her here. We did a lot of things we went shopping and visit Sophie at her place for a little suprise we talked a lot and laughed a lot, just a wonderfull time sadly Sophie left us to drove to Poland and couldnt make it with us on Sunday to a Concert of The Blackout, Claudi came at Friday to go with us to that Concert we had a lot of fun the boys are so nice and sweet, i never heard of them before Elli and Claudi introduced me their music last year im really thankfull for this. Aftr a Wonderfull week they left me to go back to Berlin and to Hamburg to see them again cause its their Fave Band. I was really sad that they left me. I Hope im able to see them soon again i really miss them and just the skype calls make it not better the missing thing.

November :

The Magical Month omg ive waited for this day so long first of all i saw this month Imagine Dragons again the 2 time and for the very very first time i saw Panic! at the Disco, i was a really happy Girl at this day, i meet so many new people there, which i gonna see next year again at a Panic! and a Fall out boy Show. Its so amazing the show was really amazing i mean we talk about Brendon Urie haha. It was a amazing show and i was a bit sad that ive got no Plectru from one of the boys, so i got home with a Tshirt and a wristband that ive bought and change my clothes to sleeping ones and then i felt something weird in my bag and it was a freaking plectrum i didnt even know that i got one i was really happy, jumped trough my whole room, that defently made my day even better as it already was. Few days later i went to the Imagine dragons show its was really cold outside i waited almost 7 Hours outside to get into the front row what i already was then the 2 Opening Bands they were ok but they didnt beat Imagine dragons, there were really perfect again and they sung again Demons my Fave i really tried not to cry its really a song that touches me a lot and i also want i line tattoed on my arm to remind me im strong and i can do it. I went out of the hall really happy and smiling.

December :

Well the last moth of the year the countdown to close the chapter 2013 and open a new one called 2014. It was a really rough year and there a lot of things that i dont want to talk about here cause i dont know whos gonna read this here some things that im not really proud of doesnt know anynone not even my friends andi think it wouldnt be good if they knew it so i keep it for myself … might someday i tell it but now im not ready fir this. Im really Glad this year is now over at one site ive meet so mane new Poeple, had so many amazing moments, but theres still to many dark moments in my life that i need to sort out kind of i dont know how to be honest that the dark parts of myself seems like there were a important part of myself and i think i would miss them i let them go. Probelty they never would leave me, we all have our own demon inside of us some of us know how to keep them inside and some of us dont we are a bit broke and the demons always find the place were we broke to get outside and destroy us.

all i want for 2014 is some more luck in my life to let people who hurt me over and over again go, and stop letting treating me like a fukcing doll, i have trust issue and all this makes it not even better . I will try to be a better Person to be happier, to spend some more time outside, probertly all by myself, and theres a lot of thing i need to talk about with a few of my friends theres things who need to talk about cause i think theres walls between some of my and my friends that i things when it would change something soon it ends by the fact we are no longer friends anymore. I just need to sort my life get a new Job and looking forward this is all what i need to do i know it will be hard even when its the last thing i do.

2502 words later … Im thankfull for all people who spent some time with me this year i love you all from the bottom of my heart and i hope i will spend with some of you some more time next year too

xx Sarah








You can stand still but the world and everything else is moving


Sometimes it felts like i wouldnt move forward with anything im at a point where im asking myself, the same questions

Why are you doing This ?

Why are you deserve it to be treated like this ?

Where did i go wrong ?

Is it all my fault ?

I think everyone in his life has this thing called “crisis” well i have mine since almost 4 month and im actually at i point where i dont know if im still good enough in things that ive learned, am i ready to start something new , just am i really ready for this. Im honestly not quiet sure what i should do or with what i should start … there so many thing i actually should do to get out but im still here at the same point at the same place and everything else is still moving, everyone start to plan things, going out and all this and im here.

Here with no idea what i should do with my life now .. how i should move forward to cause everything what i do seems to be wrong or end wrong. I never asked for many things in my life, i always needed to fight for everything in my life and all what ive got was bullshit … im not a person who is to fine to work with dirt or something else, all what i ever wanted to do, is to work in a job that i love with amazing people .. but the last jobs ive had where horrible, i was always the stupid one who did everything wrong.

But now its getting serious i dont want to live from the money of the Land here, i want to work thats defently not the point, i do all what i can and have but it seems its not enough obviously.

Everyone around me seems to move on, know what to do next planning trips, meeting people and other amazing things yeah and then theres me the little black dot that dont belongs in there, no job no Future right ?!

I dont know what to do i did all what i can do .. i just want to work as a Florist what ive learned, and also loved and still do at some point.

Every single day i woke up and asking myself and now ? What to do now everyone you know is at work or has no time and you sit like every single fucking day at home getting depressed each day more and more and panic attack about the fact the time is running what is with my Future, what to do now, my life need to change. Something need to happen soon .. im honstly not quiet sure how long i will stay strong .. im feeling myself every day more and more worthless about the fact im to dumb to get a fucking job, seriously how dumb do you need to be fo getting no job …. i try all what i can do, i really do … but all what i doo seems to be unnecessary …

A stopped talking with people that i love about all this what is going on in me and with what im fighting the last couple month i think no one gonna understands my situation right now .. to stand infront of a long way where no end to see  .. im running and running but theres no end … its like a fucking labyrinth where i dont need to find out.

Theres sometimes for a short minute the thought i could bring it all withing seconf to an end, to a point where i dont need to fight anymore .. one jump, one cut just one wrong move .. it would be so easy … really easy .. But then i remind myself i would hurt people with it, they were sad when i would leave or would they or ?

A Person has alot of faces to show in life … the happy one is one of my Favorits .. no one ask you how you feel, whats going on, how your day was, cause it seems everything is good how it is.

Sometimes i think its might better when people wouldnt know how you really feel and with what of thought you are fighting with, i dont want to pull people with me in this little black hole that im in and probertly also gonna stay for a while, people who are depressed and suicidal for a very long time are amazing actors, the can show you the beauty side of your life that doesnt excist while there dying inside with to many things and questions.

I always got told your job that you lost wasnt good for you it wasnt the right one .. well its was might true but i had one, i had money to pay everything, yes my life was a mess in this time my health was probertly not the good one but i had a job … I know when 2013 end i need to find an end of this, i need to theres no other chance and when it is the last thing i do, i just need to..

The time is running faster and faster each year … i want to reach something in my life .. i want to move away from here .. visit other places and stuff that everyone seems to do except me .. im here .. all by myself … …everyday … every night …

I dont know if this what ive wrote here makes any sense i just pulled it out .. thats it Image