3 years ago I decided to live

Hey,

I´ve been thinking about this quite often in the past few weeks, what i all missed, who i wouldnt meet just because i choose to give myself another chance and choose Life.

To look back now, its been now almost 3 years since i thought and almost attempt to commit suicide. I´ve changed so much in the past 3 years i never thought i could actually live a life where im about to accept myself how i am.

Yes i can still remember everything of this night and how thankfull i am for my friends who helped me out if this situation, its hard to look back to think about all this, but now im glad i choosed to give the life a second chance, i would missed so many good memories, havent meet so many amazing people that i truly love now.

Ive been through hell and i dont know how, but i got out of it, theres actually days where i enjoy to spend time outside, to smile ( and really mean it ), just to enjoy life. Ive been clean from self harm since 447 Days and im really proud of myself, my scars are fading, of course im strugle a lot the past years but i never had the urge to cut again, never, i foudn other ways like listen to music, talk to my friends or whatever. I gave a promise to someone who helped me a lot he is one of the reasons why im clean now and i promised to stop and ive meet him last year again and he is so proud of me that ive made it so far, hes been through all of this too and know how hard it is. To know someone is proud of me is one of the best feelings cause i know im doing something right.

Im surrounded by so many wonderfull people who help me so much ” we are all in this together”, it woul break my heart to dissapoint them and thats why im trying my best to Keep my head up. Theres way to many things i wanna do before i die ( yes ive made a before i die list ).

I just treat myself from time to time for staying strong, i mean next month i visit manchester again and to spend a week there, yeah i know i hear my Anxiety calling because i visit it all by myself, but i have to … i have to try to “get over” the anxiety i just hope i dont get to bad …

Just to  think about it to get away soon makes me happy. Im glad ive made this decision 3 years ago, life is Precious so dont throw it away, look at me now.

x Sarahtumblr_mxtayxtgs01rimr6yo2_500

222 Days Clean

Hey People,

I cant really tell you why im here right now and writing this down … i just thought i just should check my WordPress blog and i saw theres still people who reading some of my old Blogpost and i thought you might should “update” it with a new post … i tried it once a few month ago but it wasnt the right time …

Well as some of my readers know i had a really bad time in the past with suicide thougths and other stuff  … its been a while since i updated cause i really needed to figure out in which way my life shpuld turn cause i know it cant end here …. people helped my through this time and im thankfull for this even when im not close to some of them anymore … Nevermind

Well its been a while now and it changed alot of things.

I start working in a complete new place with people who i love to work with i dont get panic attacks anymore when im on my way at work, i meet so many kind people there and im finally happy to find a new Job like that … yeah sometimes i hate it to work but who doesnt ;).

What else changed … well i start and still try to see things not to bad as i did in the past, sure theres always days where i fall back into my old mood but i have people around me or on the internet who cheer me up and to stop me to do bad things and im so happy that i have them in my life now… i never thought that my life really changed that much in the last 2 years. Mostly it changed cause i meet people like them. To look back now, to see old post .. i dont know i get a really weird feeling about it.

If someone told me that i change that much in 2 years i wouldnt believed him to be honest, i really start to kind of enjoy life, i love to laugh abput things, i opened myself infront of people about everything and it feelt good, i just need to get up always when i fall, i just need to remind myself theres people who care and always will.

Theres so much negativity in the world its so sad to see people killing themself, getting depressed or giving up … i know trust me i know how fucking hard life can be and how unfair, but see ive made it through this, its a hard battle against mostly with yourself, but you will be proud about the point tha you´ve made it and you getting stronger day by day and theres people who love you …

and its never lame or weak to search for help never forget sometimes we cant win the battle alone so we nee to get help and thoose people will help you to love yourself because your life is precious, all of your life is it.

Im clean now for 222 Days its may not much i know but for me its enough, im proud that ive made it so far and i will made it to a whole year …

Dont give up if you having a fight just message me im here ❤

dont forget your life is precious

x Sarah

LifeSaver

 

Hey World,

We all know how it feels it be alone, no ones there to talk to, or someone you can call or anything else. For people like us it can be a really dangerous situation, we are not save in situations likes this, we always try or even promise to stay strong but sometimes, our thoughts are louder that any promise we ever gave.

For us every dark situation, every bad thoughts are a non stop battle against ourself, we alwas try to win but sometimes we need to accept that we loose. We all have or might had a lot of battles against ourself or still batteling, its a never ending fight. In times like this some dont really know what they want for me personally i wish i could write a person that i need them in this time really bad ( might some of you feel the same ) but i cant, i was never a person who asked for help or anything.

Over the past month and years i become to an really god actor to play the perfect role, the perfekt smile happy face to show yeah of course everything is fine i put my mask on and played the game but at the inside i was dying everytime a little bit more.

Sometime people ask me if im ok or not, but even then i lie to them cause i dont want that they know about my real problems whats ive been battle against, or whats in my head and in my mind, i was 2 times at the point to give them all an end, 2 fucking time, sometimes i sit at a train station and think well one jump and its over .. just one step …

But then i remind myself abput something, theres something that helped always when i feel bad and alone and when no friend is there, its the music for me something really important, she is always with me and i know which song i need to choose, i know which band helps me with their lyrics, its like they understand me, what ive been going through or all what thinking about in this situation they are there for this moment and they say these words that i need, Bands like

– Simple Plan

– Linkin Park

– Good Charlotte

thats just the top theres some more and these are the band that i normal listen to in times like these when i just need someone.Musix and specially these Bands are my lifesaver, so many times they helped me, so many times they stopped me when i was start to cut again what no one of my friends knows ..

Theres always a  small line between giving up and stand up again to fight the battle from the beginning. I really Love my Friends but they have all so many problems and i dont want to bother them with mine too, the deserve so much more to be happy, to smile and to enjoy the life. My Friends are my everything if you hurt them you hurt me too. There are also my lifesaver they helped me in the past so often, theres no us without you and me. My Babes are my heart and my soul, i know that i fight all this battles for them that i need to be strong for them, we all need to be strong for everyone, when one person gives up, then we all fall, 2 girls saved for almost 1,5 years my life, but they wrote me they was there and im really thankfull for this i really am. Without them i wouldnt be here anymore.

Day by Day we fight, we have battles with others or with ourself, we get everytime a little bit stronger out of the fight yea we loose sometimes but we need to look forward to, do it for the people who loves you and who you love.

Dont forget Bands are always there and Listen

 

Im Proud of you, you are still here xx

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Clean since 36 days