3 years ago I decided to live

Hey,

I´ve been thinking about this quite often in the past few weeks, what i all missed, who i wouldnt meet just because i choose to give myself another chance and choose Life.

To look back now, its been now almost 3 years since i thought and almost attempt to commit suicide. I´ve changed so much in the past 3 years i never thought i could actually live a life where im about to accept myself how i am.

Yes i can still remember everything of this night and how thankfull i am for my friends who helped me out if this situation, its hard to look back to think about all this, but now im glad i choosed to give the life a second chance, i would missed so many good memories, havent meet so many amazing people that i truly love now.

Ive been through hell and i dont know how, but i got out of it, theres actually days where i enjoy to spend time outside, to smile ( and really mean it ), just to enjoy life. Ive been clean from self harm since 447 Days and im really proud of myself, my scars are fading, of course im strugle a lot the past years but i never had the urge to cut again, never, i foudn other ways like listen to music, talk to my friends or whatever. I gave a promise to someone who helped me a lot he is one of the reasons why im clean now and i promised to stop and ive meet him last year again and he is so proud of me that ive made it so far, hes been through all of this too and know how hard it is. To know someone is proud of me is one of the best feelings cause i know im doing something right.

Im surrounded by so many wonderfull people who help me so much ” we are all in this together”, it woul break my heart to dissapoint them and thats why im trying my best to Keep my head up. Theres way to many things i wanna do before i die ( yes ive made a before i die list ).

I just treat myself from time to time for staying strong, i mean next month i visit manchester again and to spend a week there, yeah i know i hear my Anxiety calling because i visit it all by myself, but i have to … i have to try to “get over” the anxiety i just hope i dont get to bad …

Just to  think about it to get away soon makes me happy. Im glad ive made this decision 3 years ago, life is Precious so dont throw it away, look at me now.

x Sarahtumblr_mxtayxtgs01rimr6yo2_500

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Post Concert Depression

Hey World,

I want to bring up something that im dealing with so often in the past 3 Years. Im talking about a Post Concer Depression, might some of you know what im talking about, but for thoose who not know heres some information and the feeling i get over and over again

For many people like me a Concert is not just a concert where we go to and have some time together, might dancing around and something, for me a Concert is always something to look forward to , to be happy about just something to keep me alive and dont let me getting insane in this whole World. A Concert is for me something magical that no one could ever gave me, this feeling i get when i wait in the line before the show 2,4 or maybe even 10 hours, yeah for some of you this sounds crazy or something but for me its something i wanna do to might have the chance to meet one of the people who helped and saved my life so many times.

To know i get closer to the time when i just can let fall my mask that i wear day by day to act like im happy and smiling, i just can be myself in this 2 Hours, i can spend my time with 1000 Strangers in one room but all i know is we have all something in common we are all there for this Band, something just because the same reason others are just there to spend an awesome time ans then go home and thats it.

Not for me, in this 2 Hours, i just can be me, i dont need to act like im happy cause in this 2 Hours i really am happy, i smile and i really mean it, its everytime a new experience on a concert its always diffrent but at the end it makes me always unbelievable happy. My Life isnt always the best and easy one, i try my best day by day i do things that i dont like at jobs,pretend if im allright day by day, we all do this somehow and all this stress we had this anger in us, it falls down from our shoulders within seconds of standing in the crowd, we look up to the Singer or the Band why we are there, when the first melody, the first line it gets us, everything is surreal, everything we see looks so bright so beautifull, we forget everything what was or even is and we are there where we belong to.

When the first lyrics starts you already know them you can sing everysingle line everysingle word, the melody goes through you body you heart is beating to the melody that got played, you start dancing like its one f the normals things, the people right next to oyu to the same, thousand of people enjoying something so special and wonderfull at the same time. You Jump up and down, theres not much room where you stand but it doesnt care, even if you fall someone picks you up and smileys at you, you´ve me surrounded by so many wonderfull people. You dont feel how the time flies how short actually 2 hours are …  Some Lyrics of some songs mean the most to you, words that saved you, words that helped you when no one was there. You start crying cause they sing about something how you feel, what you´ve been  going through or still dealing with. You look up to them, sing with them everysingle word and crying cause theres someone who understands how you feel and he is always there for you.

The moment when the Show is over, the Bands leaves the stage, you cant really realise what happend, how can be 2 hours so short, its all surreal and you are just there and dont know what to do, to think or you dont even know wheres the exit, you waited for this moment might weeks or Month sometimes also years for this special moment and then its over.

You leave the Hall where there performed, you might check the merch to grab something from their stuff and then you leave you might wait till they might comes out or you go home, filled with Happiness and sadness at the same time. You cant even describe really how you feel you have a smile on your face and tears in your eyes. All what you want is already going back to see this show again and again. You know tomorrow is the same old life back the time where you put your Mask on and pretend you are allright and everything is fine.

a Days or Days you feel sick and alone, you can start crying directly when you look back to the show, you get the good feeling back when you think about the whole show, but then you wake up and realise its over and you start crying like hell, you want to be happy, you want the show back your lifesaver on stage everything but you cant. This is a Post Concer Depression.

I dont know i cant even count how much i had a depression like that actually my whole life is a Post Concer Depression, cause there i can be who i am and dont need to pretend something diffrent.

You try to find in the Social Network people who feel the same like you, people who understands you, the feeling you have and how much you miss this Band this feeling, you try to look forward to, to the next show or planning to travel to another city to see them Live, i already did this i traveld through my whole country to see a Band live, for some it might sounds crazy but for me its the only thing that keeps me alive.
Together we are strong, a Fanbase should stay together cause we all feel the same, we go all through the same emotional rollercoaster, we find new people with diffrent storys and nobody should get judge by what hes been listen to. We all want to break out of Life jsut for 2 Hours we just want to feel again. Even when just for 2 Hours.

Thats my Story

If You want you can write me yours x

Sarah

Image

Words do hurt

Hey people,

Im Sorry for the long break with not posting anything but i couldnt find the right words to post something, to find the right words that would gave a sense i felt myself so empty in the past weeks, i cant even descibe what happend with me, but on it happend something that i need to talk about it here its unbelievable what happend and how rude people can be and how much they can hurt  one person with just a few words.

i was at the weekend at a concert and was really looking forward to it, i met infron of the hall a few girls they were all so sweet and we had at the end such ann amazing time together and we are still in contact, one of them is a Beauty blogger and post a sweet picture of us on her page cause we had a awesome night but these comments under it i read it and read it over and over again ….

Look at the fat girl right next to you , this fat girl wanna look like you athey maked fun about me laughin about me

just about the fact i dont have a size zero , im not that beautiful as others yeah i dont look like the perfect person im not that beautiful but all this means im not that worth it to have a amazing night, to have fun all night long …. and people need to destroy it with words like this ?

I think these people dont know what they do when they write words down like this, how words can ruin a life from a person how easy people can fall into a depression, start cutting and commitet suicede people dont know nothing about this, all what they know is

Hey i bullied a  girl im now cool enough, yeah im so good now, im so strong …

I think sometimes these people have also problems and they dont find the right way to let it out and start bullyinf others to make feel themself better or i just want to help myself i dont know.

All what i know is i start crying after reading this it hurts so much to read stuff but im a person who read it over and over again to hurt myself always a bit more at the one site i just feel something but its not a good feeling i wrote something down on twitter and my friends react to this they wrote stuff under that picture that all this what the wrote is not okay, and what this girl think when she write this … there was also a few other user who wrote how disgusting this girl is to write stuff like this …

But it was so surreal to read i just saw all this negative stuff to bad words the hate against me  … I know how it felts to get bullied but i thought t finally stopped but i was wrong ….

I thankfull for having this girls in my life they accept me for who i am, and how i look they are there for me and im thankfull for my sisters i really love them.

But  ….

Theres these thought i know i have people who care about me who love me and all this but its so hard to going trough life with people like this in the world i know they are everywhere but why cant these people let us alone and let us live our own life.

After that after leaving my computer i was laying in my bed and the tears was back i cryed a lot in this night and was alone with myself there was a lot of thought in my head.. suicide thougth.. i just cant stop to think about thinks like this , the life is such a bitch and theres poeple who disgusted me like hell

words was running through my mind but i dont want to annoy someone to talk with me cause they all sleep and i dont want to wake anyone of them up just about the fact my mind is fucking around. Im Not proud about it what ive done this night im not really proud but i could find anything to stop all this im still here but i dont know all this kicks me all the time back into a part where i dont wanna be, where im not that strong where im weak like idk …

Is it to much that i just wanna live my life without getting bullied about what im doing, i just want to be love for who i am is this to much ?

I just want to live a happy life … without any doubts and smiling all day ….

Heres the pictures where everyone start talking against and laughing about me  im sorry for not being perfect and for my face ..

Konzert - Imagine Dragons in Köln