222 Days Clean

Hey People,

I cant really tell you why im here right now and writing this down … i just thought i just should check my WordPress blog and i saw theres still people who reading some of my old Blogpost and i thought you might should “update” it with a new post … i tried it once a few month ago but it wasnt the right time …

Well as some of my readers know i had a really bad time in the past with suicide thougths and other stuff  … its been a while since i updated cause i really needed to figure out in which way my life shpuld turn cause i know it cant end here …. people helped my through this time and im thankfull for this even when im not close to some of them anymore … Nevermind

Well its been a while now and it changed alot of things.

I start working in a complete new place with people who i love to work with i dont get panic attacks anymore when im on my way at work, i meet so many kind people there and im finally happy to find a new Job like that … yeah sometimes i hate it to work but who doesnt ;).

What else changed … well i start and still try to see things not to bad as i did in the past, sure theres always days where i fall back into my old mood but i have people around me or on the internet who cheer me up and to stop me to do bad things and im so happy that i have them in my life now… i never thought that my life really changed that much in the last 2 years. Mostly it changed cause i meet people like them. To look back now, to see old post .. i dont know i get a really weird feeling about it.

If someone told me that i change that much in 2 years i wouldnt believed him to be honest, i really start to kind of enjoy life, i love to laugh abput things, i opened myself infront of people about everything and it feelt good, i just need to get up always when i fall, i just need to remind myself theres people who care and always will.

Theres so much negativity in the world its so sad to see people killing themself, getting depressed or giving up … i know trust me i know how fucking hard life can be and how unfair, but see ive made it through this, its a hard battle against mostly with yourself, but you will be proud about the point tha you´ve made it and you getting stronger day by day and theres people who love you …

and its never lame or weak to search for help never forget sometimes we cant win the battle alone so we nee to get help and thoose people will help you to love yourself because your life is precious, all of your life is it.

Im clean now for 222 Days its may not much i know but for me its enough, im proud that ive made it so far and i will made it to a whole year …

Dont give up if you having a fight just message me im here ❤

dont forget your life is precious

x Sarah


April 4 : A List of songs that can cheer you up and make you maybe feel better


After yesterdays pretty much sad and pretty personal Blogpost i decided to give you something that maybe cheers you up when you are in the mood of being sad. Music is something what helps me personally pretty much i can listen to songs for about Hours and feeling better after a while .
I asked a few of my friends and put up a list with song that cheer them up in times like there its a really good mix of diffrent songs and music genres, so dont judge because they might be a bit to much pop or Rock, these songs helped people in tough times.

Barely Blind – Inner Child
The Lumineers – Ho Hey
Taylor Swift – Mean
4 Non Blonds – Whats up
Green Day – American Idiot
P!NK – Fucking Perfect
Toploader – Dancing in the Moonlight
Coldplay – Clocks
The Killers – Read my Mind
Simple Plan – This song saved my Life
Pharell Wiliams – Happy
One Direction – What makes you Beautiful
Linkin Park – Breaking the Habit
Set it Off – I´d Rather drown
The 1975 – The City

… and many many More

These are just a few Songs that ive know and got send from my friends that helped them in sad times. Music can reach so much in the world and she i always aviable when you need something when you feeling down.
If you knew some more songs that cheers you or some of your friends up please let me know and i will add them to the List. I want to help people who feeling sad sometimes, its not much to help but for me it helps very often.
x Sarah

Music the escape of life.

Music for might for some of you just something you listen to everyday without any reason you just need something to hear.

And for others like me, the best therapie you could ever get, the best way to get with your mind out of all the hate, problems of life. The Music is something that can give you so many things at the same time ..

.. Hope, Love, Trust, Understanding, Help ..

For me is the music like Air or every pulse or heartbeat, i couldnt live without her i listen to music since i were in the teenager age might a bit earlier but for me the music was always a big part an important part of my life, they helped me so often out of all drama in my life i put my earphone in my ear, click play and the world was on mute. The Music is a wonderfull gift of every artist, everyone has his own special Band or just a Song that gave yourself the feeling that someone understood you, try to help you ot is might just there at the moment.

When you feel alone you know the music is always there for you when others leave you, the music gave you something that others might never can. Theres a lot of different music types in the world tons of ..

.. Pop, Rock ,Rap, Techno, Metal, Alternitive, Hardcore Metal and some more  …

Everyone has his own music type that he love and adore and songs by artist that you love and being a fan of, thoose Songs speak words from your own soul, they tell you your life tr to help you, and being there for you, people who never had this feeling cant understand this, how a song could help a person, help more as a human ever can ..

The Music is a wonderfull gift and they always will, nothing helps specially me more as the music honestly, i have it one my phone, at work and everywhere, shes always there and for that im thankfull when my people around me have sometimes not the time for me i know i can put my earphone in my ear and know soon its getting a bit better with some special songs i love and know that they help me.

The Music is one of the most Important parts of my life and she always will …

What means music to you ? 

xx Sarah



The New Year … Better and happier ?

Hey Peeps,

Im sorry that i was not really online/blog in the beginning of the new year but i need to clear up somethings and all this. I Hope you all had an lovley New Years Eve. 🙂

Well the last year is over, all the drama, the cry days, the days we lost the hope, the faith everything are done. But does this also directly mean this year gonna be a better and happier year ? Well i cant answear this really ..

In the last days i took some time to look over all m blogs that ive wrote and sadly the bad mood was a big part of all these blogs, i had a lot of down in the last year, honestly almost the whole year 2012 was a bad mood year, all the self-harm days, the sucide thought all this .. it was probertly not the best side of me that i show you all here im sorry for that, i tried to write these like a little diar of my life to try to help some people that they are not alone with some thought or some things that happend, it gave so much hate and sadness in the world no one needs to be alone we all need people around who help us an be there for us.

Well the New year is here and i dont really have some things/wishes for the new year, i just try my best to get away from all these bad mood days, the suicide thought and the cut parts, it would be all not easy i now this, but i try to see the

world from a whole diffrent side to see all this a little bitt lighter as it is more colour and try to enjoy the days they i spent here on the world, the life is something that we all need to appreciate and be thankful for it (Unbelievable that i say this 🙂 ), i have wonderfull people like elli, claudi ,tiffy. sophie, biene, jenny, moni and sarina around me who love t spent as much as time together, for them i try to dont give up, to smile more, just being happy.

You see the wolrdl ike you wanna see them sure it gaves a lot shit and bitches in the world but give a shit about them, they are just not in comming with themself the have issues and try to hide them and start annoying and bully you, they dont know how hard the life can be, dont listen to this what they say ot do, give a shit, just smile and think im better as her million times better 🙂 .

Dont give up it gave a lot of things to breathe and to enjoy the life, so go out and show the world your beautifull smile


ps: I dont wanna say that i dont write anymore some bad mood blog we all have sometimes a really really bad day, but i try to see my life in a diffrent view and make it happier as it was 🙂

xx sarah 🙂

I Hate it what happen for 12 Years, the family break at this time but he is and always will be my Dad and i kinda miss him :(

Dad and me    Hey ….

I dont know how to say this here, i dont know whats really going in at the moment with my feelings and all this, but i remind myself in the last days pretty often to the times were my Family where together my mum, my dad and my brother.

He did a lot bad things, nothing that i ever could forgive, or really understand.

No one in my family or in my friends base does really know what all happend, it was a hard time for me my mum  and my brother after he divorced and he left us in the year 2000, i was 11 Years old and i remind me at every thing that happend at the time he leave, and it depressed me really.

I mean he left my mum for some problems and all this, but he still has kids that want to see him, i couldnt really understand why he dint want to stay in contact with us , my brother doesnt care this really, he hate him really … I also said pretty often what an asshole he is that i hate him for that what he all did but at times like this at the moment christmas and all this i miss these Father figure, i saw him the last time for over 12 Years.

Its hard for me still now, i start to forget how he really look like and at some times we shared theres just a few left, he is my father and i cant understand why he dont want to stay in contact with me ??

am i such a Bad daughter ??


Am i not worth it to be a good daughter or wish my Dad at my site ?

Theres a lot of questions in my head and i cant find an anwear for this ?  A  couple times i thought about it to write him a letter, i have his adress for a lawyer fight against him and me for a couple years .. But what should i write , what should i say …

What is when he dont want any contact with me, or anything else, im scared about this, sure we have no contact now but what if when hes also scared to write me after all this ? I Dont know what to do.

I tried in the last days a couple times to start writing him a letter but i didnt know how to start .. i cant find the words that i wanna say, i cant put this whats in my head on the paper, and who said that hes gonna answear me ?

When i see all the Happy Familys i wish i would have also a Family like this, just being loved for that what i am and dont need to break my head about question where i might be never get an answear for ?

All what i want is a Happy Family, where just love excist and not hate or fake aunts/uncles im sick of shit like this.

…. Just a Happy Family thats all 😦

Give yourself sometimes a break from everything to get a clear view forward, it helps !?

Hello Readers,

Im Sorry for the 2 weeks without anything posted but i needed some time for myself, it was for me important to regonize whats is really important in my life and for what i should fight and not.

I can say this break helps me a lot and i can defently say when you think you have some really big problems in your life or when you feel its getting to much, then directly do something against it take a time out from everything, it really helps to focus yourself to the things they are important for you.

The year is almost done and as might some of you know this years had more downs as highs for me, more shit that no one really need in a life. Thats why i took a break from everything and start thinking about a few things that happend ot what is with next year a lot of important questions where i actually dont have an answear for.

The Life is the only Bitch that you cant Punch in the Face

You are the only person who can help yourself and do some things better fpr yourself no one can help you that much what you actually need, some people cant give you the answear to some question of you, or can make you life that much better and brighter as it is, its a hard way to get out of the dark side of life , from the bad to the good, but you will get stronger when you go through this, it will be hard and not easy, but we are all Stronger that we might know.

When you have some Beautiful friends and Family Around you then we reach every goal that we take, cause people who we love and care about gave something to belive in. They cant give you an answear but they can show you maybe the way that you need to go to find that what you really need.

Give every day the chance to become the best of your life.

I Gave myself the goal, to see now everything a little bit postiver as i did in the past, in the past i saw everything wrong everything was bad and not good, and now i try to see it all a bit better :).

Every little step is a step into a new life, into a happy life where the love and life live. Our Past will always be there but when we can we get out of this Stronger as we ever was and will be. Then What doesnt kill you makes you Stronger, think about this, and realize its true, we have our bad times in the past, the times that we actually wish to forget but, when we really think about this, that all this what happend makes us to this what we are right know, and all this brought us these people around us that we love.

So What i wanna say with this short and little blog is, when you need some time for yourself , then take it, everyone needs some of it and it helps to clear your mid and looking forward to a new way 🙂

xxx Sarah



ps: I Promise to post in the future now some more blogs xx

These Belongs here to all the Mums out there or these who love their mums more then anything else.

Hello People,

This Blogpost here goes to this person in my life, she means so much for me and im so thakful for having her and to call her my Mum, i love my Mum more then anyone else, she is this person who cares about me. She going with me of the journes to grow up to an adult and more, she is the person i always will love for these thing that she gave me.

My Mum ist the most important person for me, she is there when im sick or when i am sad, she wish my trears away and is there no matter which time or where i am, it doesnt care what happends she stand always by me and love me for me and not for that i could be.

But my mum was/is always there for me and im thankfull for this

My Mum is the last person of my parents that i have, my father gave a shit about me and what happed, he doesnt care about me. My Mum helps me at the beginning so much to go to this hard time she never said u cant see your dad she always said , when you wanna see you dad then go to him, but the fact that he doesnt want to see me makes it all really hard.

A Mom is a wonderfull gift, all kids should show their own mums more respect in he world cause  she gave birth to you, without her and you dad you wouldnt be here on this world, and be honest where would you be now without your mom, seriously where, the life is a hard way that we all need to take and it feels better and easier to share these long journey with your mom.

To see my mum smile is a wonderfull moment to see that she is happy makes me happy

We all should enjoy the time that we have with our Mums, then someday shes not there anymore and then we gonna miss her cause she is that what you loved the most. A Mom never said buy me these buy me that she is for everything thankful what you gave her. When you are creative just with a postcard or something else this is the best gift that she ever can get.

To See my mum at the moment, and to know that something is not right makes me really sad, she say everything is okay but i see its not and i dont know why she dont want to tell whats wrong woth her maybe she wants to protect me or something else, but i wanna help her together we can fix that .. Right ??

She doesnt judge you about the problem that you have or had, the stupid things you´ve done and still do, she is almost always on your site she helps you to get out of shit helps you to make yourself feel better.

For me is nothing better as to see that my mum is happy and fit, to see her smile makes my little sadess more easier. To share some time with my mum is always amazing, all of you should spend some more times with your mum it doesnt care if you share the whole day or just a few hours the thing is someday shes not there anymore and now we have the time to spend as much time as we can get with our mums and later when shes not there anymore that we can look back to the great times that we shared and how happy we was together.

Every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I’ll shine for you

So its almost christmas, this is the perfect time to share some time with your. Spend some time with her and tll her how much you love her and be thankfull for that, that she is you mum.

So spend some time with your lovley Mum and be happy that she is still by your side

xx Sarah

Sometimes it seems to be everything is okay but actually its not

Hey People…

Something that we all might know, maybe from some others or from yourself. I think everyone of you said sometimes that everything is okay when its actually not, im right or ?

At some point you dont wanna talk about all that about what you ve ben going through at the moment or was giong through, you know your friends just wanna help you but you think its maybe better to keep it for you. Theres things tht you dont wanna share with anyone, things that you fight against it and you wanna fight alone.

Everyone on the world has 2 lifes, or better said to faces …


— The Smile Face

Where you show the world that you are happy, happy with everything and it couldnt be better, you have friends, a family , a job, all your dream comming true, no problems in you life everything is perfect.


— The Sad face (dark face)

These site you actually dont wanna show anyone, you wanna keep that all by yourself, you dont wanna show how easy its actually is to get hurt and dissapointed about things or important people. You try as much as you can to keep these site as a secret, you dont want that the other people think you are weak.


You live the whole life with these two faces, some of you show both sites in their live to people some of you maybe not. To show the site how easy you get hurt by things is very hard and a really long working process, a working process of a realationship between friends or really important people.

All what i can say is dont be that shy to open yourself, yes sometimes you get hurt by the fact to open yourself but also sometimes you see how good it feels to have people around you who love both sites of you and take you exactly how you are and love ou for this, and maybe you see how much you have in common with some of your friends.

Ive got hurt by people where i open myself and it was a hard way to trust again but now i found the real people i can trust to and this is the best feeling that you ever can get, trust me

And when you see that some of your friends have a problem, or you just feel it, dont be shy to ask


” how are you, is everything okay”


and ask maybe 2 or 3 times, some people dont say it directly that something is not right …. and still then when they dont wanna say anything just let him know that you always there when these person wanna talk, cause you love this person and wanna be there for them, thats the most wonderfull gift that you can give your friend.

xx Sarah

People who you love and care about, People that you call friends or better like a second family ..

Hello Readers

This blog here is more something about people that i love and really miss at the moment, i think you might know about im start to talk about here, im talking about people that you love and people that understands you adn except you just like who you are.

I heard in the last years a lot of stories how hard it is in the school now to find real and honest friends and this is actuall really sad, little kids like 11 – 12 years old start to judge you, just about the fact that you dont wear the newest clothes or have the new I Phone or whatever. When i was 11/12 years old it doesnt care what you wear, or which phone you have (i dindt had an phone at 11 years old girl ), i had just fun with the other kids played some soccer or just talk with my girls thats it.

The socetiy start changing the mind and the thought about so young people , and for little kids who never had that much money, for them its hard to find friends in school ,no one wants to talk with them or play something, this makes me really sad to hear. In this ages ou should have some fun in school play with the other all that what little kids do  .. no in 2012

— 11year old girls start wearing make up and boys start to have sex and watching porn videos on their phones —

Seriously what happend with the life of little kids? Im honest im glad that ive had these chance to grow up without all thse technical bullshit and had a childhood.

When these kids get into highschool it doesnt get easiert to find new friends, its not at all. I didnt had much friends in school so in know about what im talking about here but now im really happy that i found 5 Amazing girls, they really understands me and 5 boys who i really love.

I think its important to grow up with an good childhood, cause yo learn so much while you growing up to an adult. Im thankful for these amazing girls and boys in my life, i know that i can trust them really, and talk about everything with them. Sure in the last few month it was from my site not that easy tp understand all this whats going on and i stopped to believe in a friendship that we had, but to be honest, for a really good friendship/family you really must fight and work about this, cause ti trust someone for 100% its not easy.

— when you find someone that you completly trust, dont let him go, do what ever you can do and also when this means that you need to fight for this person its all worth it —

Everyone of us has his own little problem who he needs to fight against it, but when you have friends wo you can talk about it and mabe the could help you , it makes this all a little bit easier, really, to trust someone 100% is a gift of an amazing friendship, cause this means this person is really important to you.

— For me my friends are not just even friends, im not blessed with a real family thats why my friends are my family, my sister and my brothers.  —

I hope everyone on the has some amazing friends like i have, its the best feeling in the world to know that you have people that love you for who you are and that they xare about you. Nothing is better as to know you get loved.

A friendship starts everything with the point that this other person is an stranger to you but dont be scared to open yourself and start talking with these other person , tal kabout your hobbys or what you always love to do, what music you prefer or what you hate maybe you and the other person has much more in common as you actually thought, maybe this could be your new boyfriend or your new best friend or a really important person what mean after some year more to ou as some others.

You never know what happen when you start talking with new people but dont be shy, a little converstion with some other dont kill you it just show you how the other people are .

xxx Sarah


Friends that i call Family

Hey Readers :-),

This New Blog goes to my Friends, is about my Friends or over my Friends.

In the Society is it Hard to Find Real
Friend they would Love you for who you are, i know that cause i had
in the past wrong Friends or better Not really Friends just People i Talk with ..

I just wanna say when you have People around you they dont Love you for who you are ! Give a Shit about These People cause you deserve better People 🙂

I found this Year the Most wonderfull People who i Ever Could Meet, i Meet them through a Band that we all like One of them is from Bayern call Tiffy she was the First i Meet in Real 🙂 she is so Sweet 🙂 always funny with her 🙂

Then my Monkeys obsessed Girl Sophie, i Talk or Write with her everyday she is such a Sweet Girl my Little One 🙂

my wonderfull Biene :-). my sp girl my Berlin Girl u can have with her so much Fun and she Love to Bake haha 🙂 with her i Decided to go to the Berlin Show where i Meet 2 other beauty Girls

my Horror girl my twin my Kiwi 🙂 called. Claudi haha i really Love her she is so Sweet and with her i have the Most Award conversations Ever bur i Love her for that 🙂

And Last but Not least my
möpschen Elli Gosch i really love this Boobie girl she is so Sweet and cute i Could cuddle her the whole Day 🙂

Well when i found Girls like i found in my Life and when u can call them
SoulSister, your Family your Life … Fight for These cause they are Ever Single pain worth it

These Girls gave me so much strength, and so much faith for my Life 🙂 im so thankfull that i Meet These wonderfull Girls

We live almost all so far away from each other but what Means Distance when you know that you have Sisters in whole Germany You know you See them Soon back and while the. you Talk a Lot with them or write

Just Fight for These persona like i do im
always there for my Girls an always will

Cause These Girls are ..
my Love – my Faith – my Life – my strength – an my family

xxx Sarah