Love is Love no matter which Gender you or your partner are.

Hey People,

Pretty often in the news or in the Television the Love between two men or two woman is still a big deal, or in diffrent countrys like russia its not allowed to live in a releation ship like this, its not allowed to fall in love with the same gender.

Some kind of people still think that something is wrong with thoose people or they are sick or disgusted by them, sure everyone has a own view of all this, but i cant understand this LOVE is LOVE, no matter what even wehen you have the same Gender. I really cant understand people who start hating people who Love the same Gender they are all human the same like we are they Love someone truly and do the same things that Man and Woman do in their relationship, the only diffrence is the Gender and actually this shouldnt be a thing to hate someone for.

We are all human and we are all looking for love and searching for someone who we can love and spend the rest of my life with, no one should ever get hated, bullied or offend for something that makes himself happy.

I think we all live in 2014 now and it shouldnt be a big deal anymore for getting arrested just because you LOVE.

Selena Gomez an actress, singer and all round talent had a World Tour in 2013, she had plannend to play a few concert in russia, she is a suport for same Marriage and Love, her Visum for Russia got denied cause she supports it, theres not just russia where people get problems. In the USA theres still some states where its not allowed to marry the Love of your life just because the same Gender.

Like in the Soccer career its still not a thing to talk about “Outings” its still a forbidden thing cause they are to scared to get attacked from Fans or even other Soccer player. In Germany a ex- National player called Thomas Hitzlsperger. After he left his football career he admits that he is Homosexual. He was to scared to talk about it in his career but after he left his Job as a Soccer he found the strenght to talk about it.

Also some Youtuber called Tyler Oakley and Troye Sivan found the strenght to talk about it, they are both homosexual and they show it and are proud of it, Troye shot a Video 07.08.2013 when he admits the whole world that he is gay, he filmed a Video called Comming out “Link below”, he talks about it how he felt and everything you should watch it if you are scared to have you own comming out.

— > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoL-MnXvK80 <—

Theres so many people in the world who are Homosexual or Lesbian

– Ellen Degeneres

– Ricky Martin

– Elton John

– Lance Bass

– Jodie Foster

and many many more.

You cant judge people for what they love and live for, when you look on the street or at the train station in someones  eyes you cant see if they ot not, all what you see is a wonderfull human who live.

People who get hated or bullied mostly start to self-harm cause they cant stand the hate what they get, and they didnt even deserve this, they start to loose the happiness in they life and get depressed and really sad, sometimes it sadly end with suicide just because they open to people that they Love someone who seems to be in their eyes not right . So many people died of suicide just because getting bullied or something else in some country all over the world they also get killed because of this, or they get sexual abused. Itsnot right and never will. Sometimes i feel very sad and really angry why people are so stupid andy why they hate something where they dont have a clue from. They just listen to other people ot the newspaper what they say that dont even have a own oppinion so people make me sick, let them alone.

For me personally one of my uncle admits almost at christmas that he is homosexual and i was happy about it cause he talked with us about it and for me its wasnt a big deal a still love him cause he is still the same person, lots of my school friends are now lesbian and now, nothing they all found someone who they really love and this makes me happy, i personally dont judge someone for the point that he or she love the same Gender or might both who know. I honestly wouldnt say no to a wonderfull woman when she ask me to do kiss or something, and would you be Honest to yourself you woulnd also say no when “Jennifer Lawrence/Megan Fox) ask you ;).

We all have a tough time in our life we try to do the best what we can we have all trouble at work with family and friends or something else and all what we dont want is to get judge for something thats actually normal but for some people its nor right or wrong or thoose people are sick.

Please let thoose people alone and let them live their own life its not your fucking deal do bully, judge thoose people they are lovley and sweet wonderfull people and they deserve to be happy. Dont be jeleous just because they found the love of their life an you dont.

I do and always will Support them

Thats all what i want to say

xx

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Theres no diffrence right ?

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Hey,

 

I think we all had this feeling someday in our life, the feeling o not good enough anymore or that others stop to care about you, you seems not anymore important to them, you see how they speak with other everyday more and more and with you, maybe twice a week. 

We all start in our early years to make new friends, find people or better said little kids that we have somethin in common, but we all start to grow up really fast when we start to go in school we change ourself and the things we love and our personality. Sometimes we all cant hold the friendship to our first friends in live and we start top replace them with other that we start to have more and more in common we start to loose the connection to them and stop to care anymore about them.

We meet a lot o new people on our journey of life and sometimeswe loose the people that we thought we love the most adn had the strongest connection too. Its life we all know that. Sometimes its really hard to realise to give up on people cause we changed to much and have nothing anymore in common with this person nothing that you can hold on to. We know how much it hurts to be replace by ther from your closet friend, but sometimes we need to let people go no matter how hard it could be, even how much it gonna hurts, but hold on a friendship where no end is to see, this is not a realy friendship.

Sure for a real strong friendship you need to work for and with it, its work to hod on something like this wonderfull and the hard work need to come from both sites cause otherwise its doesnt even make sens a friendship is from two sites not just from one. When you feel something is wrong with the frienship or with the person just ask whats wrong or that something is not right woth the friendship and you both need to figure out what, cause when the friendship is so important for you as for the other person you will made it, i think no one of you will be replaced by a stranger and you dont want loose the closet person of you that you ever had.

Never forget how much it could hurts being or be replaced by someone else, to get forget and hurt by the Person you thought you love and get loved the most, a friendship is hard work and you need to work on it.

I´ve been replaced way to often from people that i thought they love me for who i am, how i look and all this … but they start talking shit behind my back or we stopped talking or we just stopped to have things in common and they shared everything with it with other and they didnt even care what you´ve been thinking about it.

It hurts like hell to have the feeling of getting might replaced from others or that this person could love others more like you, its never easy to get over something like this, so do something for it, try to figure out what could be wrong and what happend and might you both find a way out and no one need to replaced and you will have a very long friendship you can looking forward to and looking back in the future

 

x Sarah

 

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You can stand still but the world and everything else is moving

Hello,

Sometimes it felts like i wouldnt move forward with anything im at a point where im asking myself, the same questions

Why are you doing This ?

Why are you deserve it to be treated like this ?

Where did i go wrong ?

Is it all my fault ?

I think everyone in his life has this thing called “crisis” well i have mine since almost 4 month and im actually at i point where i dont know if im still good enough in things that ive learned, am i ready to start something new , just am i really ready for this. Im honestly not quiet sure what i should do or with what i should start … there so many thing i actually should do to get out but im still here at the same point at the same place and everything else is still moving, everyone start to plan things, going out and all this and im here.

Here with no idea what i should do with my life now .. how i should move forward to cause everything what i do seems to be wrong or end wrong. I never asked for many things in my life, i always needed to fight for everything in my life and all what ive got was bullshit … im not a person who is to fine to work with dirt or something else, all what i ever wanted to do, is to work in a job that i love with amazing people .. but the last jobs ive had where horrible, i was always the stupid one who did everything wrong.

But now its getting serious i dont want to live from the money of the Land here, i want to work thats defently not the point, i do all what i can and have but it seems its not enough obviously.

Everyone around me seems to move on, know what to do next planning trips, meeting people and other amazing things yeah and then theres me the little black dot that dont belongs in there, no job no Future right ?!

I dont know what to do i did all what i can do .. i just want to work as a Florist what ive learned, and also loved and still do at some point.

Every single day i woke up and asking myself and now ? What to do now everyone you know is at work or has no time and you sit like every single fucking day at home getting depressed each day more and more and panic attack about the fact the time is running what is with my Future, what to do now, my life need to change. Something need to happen soon .. im honstly not quiet sure how long i will stay strong .. im feeling myself every day more and more worthless about the fact im to dumb to get a fucking job, seriously how dumb do you need to be fo getting no job …. i try all what i can do, i really do … but all what i doo seems to be unnecessary …

A stopped talking with people that i love about all this what is going on in me and with what im fighting the last couple month i think no one gonna understands my situation right now .. to stand infront of a long way where no end to see  .. im running and running but theres no end … its like a fucking labyrinth where i dont need to find out.

Theres sometimes for a short minute the thought i could bring it all withing seconf to an end, to a point where i dont need to fight anymore .. one jump, one cut just one wrong move .. it would be so easy … really easy .. But then i remind myself i would hurt people with it, they were sad when i would leave or would they or ?

A Person has alot of faces to show in life … the happy one is one of my Favorits .. no one ask you how you feel, whats going on, how your day was, cause it seems everything is good how it is.

Sometimes i think its might better when people wouldnt know how you really feel and with what of thought you are fighting with, i dont want to pull people with me in this little black hole that im in and probertly also gonna stay for a while, people who are depressed and suicidal for a very long time are amazing actors, the can show you the beauty side of your life that doesnt excist while there dying inside with to many things and questions.

I always got told your job that you lost wasnt good for you it wasnt the right one .. well its was might true but i had one, i had money to pay everything, yes my life was a mess in this time my health was probertly not the good one but i had a job … I know when 2013 end i need to find an end of this, i need to theres no other chance and when it is the last thing i do, i just need to..

The time is running faster and faster each year … i want to reach something in my life .. i want to move away from here .. visit other places and stuff that everyone seems to do except me .. im here .. all by myself … …everyday … every night …

I dont know if this what ive wrote here makes any sense i just pulled it out .. thats it Image

Friendship

First of all im deeply sorry for having a little time out with blogging .. i needed some time for myself to figure out a few things and all this but i try to blog now more xx

We all have a lot and some just a few people around ourself that we call “friends” people who we truly love and talk to when we need someone to talk. Friends are really important people in our life except beside parents and the family, with friends you can talk about your problems, they dont judge you for being you, friends are there when you need them.

Since we all were little we searched for friends like in the kindergarden, the early beginning of searching people.

In our Life we might still our old friends that we knew for a very long time, but people change over the years and somehow they figure out that they are not that close anymore as they was. When we all started to go to the highschool we all tried to find people who listen to the same music like we do, love the same things, we tried to find some for not being alone.

In our early years it was way  easier to find new friends, it doesnt count how you look,who you are or what you stand for,  you wanted just some fun in the School breaks or after School.

But now in our all teenager lifes and in the Soceity of 2013 its really hard to find new people who accept you for who you are and what you love. Theres always and everywhere people who hate you for who you are and they dont accept you way how you life your live. They try everything to break you, the try to hate yourself for who you are.

People start getting really rude in their teenage age  and still after that they didnt change they attitude to all these things. The soceity makes it for us the teenager not really easy to find new people who you can trust 100%, its getting harder and harder year by year, we all lost our friends because we didnt had much time with them  or we start loving diffrent things, theres always many ways why a friendship broke. I think all of you had this one friends that you thought you share your whole life with but at the end it broke sadly …

Sometimes you see it comming that the friendship start to change you dont talk that much like before or your love to something is not the same anymore, the other person start to talk with others way more about things, and it makes yourself really sad cause you cant really understand why all this happend, what did you´ve done to deserve to treated like that, sometimes püeople change like 180* and are complete diffrent, its normal for a person to change we all change in one way, but the thing is, are the people change themself with or without you, do they still want you in their life when they dont show you this feeling ?

A Friendship is not something that comes and stay for doing nothing, a real friendship is hard work for both sides to keep them.  A Friend need to fight for you trust and for the place in your heart, its not like hey be my Friend for the next 80 Years, no its not that easy, i mean not for me, for me i need to know everything about a person to call him a friend.

Sure its normal to have sometimes a little fight with your friends, its normal to have sometimes a diffrent view about a few things but the important thing is you need to accept this other view to this and still love this person for this, to have always the same love for something is not always good, you shouldnt change yourself for the other peson to like you, that would be stupid, cause you are who you are and you should be proud of this when people dont like you for this that this are not real friends, and a little fight between you and your friends brings you sometimes closer as you was, sure theres alwas the point that a friendship can break but then it was not the right and real one.

When you really love a person and you want her in your life, then be you, true friends accept you for this and love you.

x Sarah

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Suicide Soundcloud Message

Hey People,

For about a few weeks, i was at a down and start scrolling trough my Tumblr with the Search words for

Depressed, Suicide, Cut , Alone , Selfharm

 

and i found something that changed my view about the whole Suicide completly, i cant even describe in which way it changed but i thought well i should listen to this let see what this is.

The Soundcloud Mp3 is from a girl called ErikalynXo i dont know if she fight against self Harm or Suicide thought or what else but she upload something in Soundcloud called

“Suicide”

 

I expected something about her Story, about the way how she planned might a Suicide or anything else so i start clicking on the play button and within 2 Seconds no words nothing this touched me really she start talking with the First words

 

” You sitting at your desk”

 

She start talking about it like it is you, in your own view, it goes 11 mins a bit more and all this changed my view about this i cant really describe how but this was really “impressing” its ight not the right word but i think it exlain it the best how i wanna describe it.

She start talking about is, like its your Story, your way to plan a suicide but she dont end when you re dead no she show you the way after you what is with the people who loves you that you didnt see, the people around you and all this, i honestly got goosebumbs and start crying while listen to this here.

At one site i was fascinated about this Soundcloud but otherwise it scares me to hell, how good she knows “me” in that way, and my way what i planned but early enough stopped and all this just a stranger a girl can change so many minds from so many diffrent people around the world …

i start a few time to write a blog about this but didnt really know how to start and now i just decided to write what i think and when you have these thoughts in you in your mind or just sometimes for about a few minutes please Listen to this here its kinds “wonderfull” How 1 Girl can change from so many people her own mind.

Still when you have problems with Self-Harm ot anything that destroys Yourself please take these 11 mins and close your eyes might use your headphone to hear it clearly and Listen to this its something special in his own way.

Heres the Link to it

 

https://soundcloud.com/eriikaa/sucide

 

It nothing big but might it can help you to see your own life now diffrent then

before, you see things diffrent, your thoughts about it are maybe diffrent ..

Let me know what do you think about this Soundcloud Message.

x Sarah

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Thoughts over Thoughts

Hey peeps,

Hope you are all good and everything runnings good in your life ?

In the last days and weeks i thought about allot of things good and bad ones and i start re reading my old blogs here that i post and i dont know i said pretty often its getting better and all this in the last weeks it doesnt really run good to be honest, sometimes i dont know what think about this whole situation, my mum said when one door close for you then somewherea new one open for me.

But Honestly the past month/year i just had always closed doors and i dont know how many doors i try to open to be finally there where i want and can stay ?

I didnt talk to anyone about all this cause i dont know the whole situation between my friends feels like as somthing change i dont know why always when i feel i shoud say something to be not alone here i feel like i would annoy them cause im not really a happy person and have so many good stuff to talk about i had in the past just shit to talk about and thats why i decided for a few weeks ago to stop talking about my problems and whats really going on, but i feel like its getting to much at the moment, i sit alone look a few times aday at my screen and no messages nothing and this kinda feel weird normally i have messages but it changes in so many ways.

I wish i would really know what happend, wheres the part who all this “relation” between us break and maybe i would know how to fix this or to try to make it better as it already is ?

It felt all so unreal the past weeks i cant even describe it really its like everything else gonna be more important as i am, as all what been said was wrong and not even really true, i just lay at night in my bed i think about a few things and start crying cause i dont understand what happend and what i can do to make all this better as now ?

Theres so many things that i wanna say, but i feel she wouldnt understand what i wanna say and thats the problem i cant tell her really what i feel and how i gonna feel.

This makes it all not easy and it start that something getting between us we talked last year almost every day sometime a couple times a day but now 3 times a week ?

What happend ? you said i were important for you but this silence is killing me inside and i dont know what to say or think about it ? did i said something wrong ? did i act wrong or what happend i just wanna know what happend and how i could fix it to get back to the old days is this to much ? I dont wanna loose the reason(s) why im still here and try to stay here ?

I Just want to see you and hug you is this to much that i want ? Just to have you back at my site and feeling complete and not lost anymore ?

x sarah

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Burned Out, numb and sick of still living here, just let me die please

Hey ….

I cant desribe what i feel right know or what i should feel, all what i feel is pain, hate, and being alone, today was the Funeral of a close friend of the Family, this shows me again how fast and easy the life can be end, and how often i wish i could go this way,

just the last breathe through my lungs, the last blood trough my venes, the last word from my lips, the last hearbeat …

I feel myself like burned out, nothing cares anymore like i would be numb, honestly i cant really describe it, theres something in me what cares but otherwise for what just to be there to say goodbye to loved people im sick of this, the last 3 years every year again, me and my family need to say goodbye to our love ones, i want that this end now, im sick of staying in front of the grave to say the last goodbye, im sick of feeling how the tears running through my face and over my cheecks, why cant this end a year without saying goodbyes to people, is this wish to much ?

I just want to have some rest time with thoose who i love for that what the are but the truth is my Uncle is really sick and he could die each day, his neck aorta is so thin that they could rip every moment, im scared to loose him 2013, i dont know how i could stand this, he that whos still in my family, hes my uncle who i love the most.

When people leave me like this without sharing some rest beautiful moments, its not fair, the life isnt really fair.

Theres people who get every thing and theres me and some other who need to fight for everything, to be worried about everything und need to say goodbye to soon in our lifes, we are like all other humans with heart and i think we all deserve to have some left time with thoose who we love, i dont wanna stand again in front of a grave to say goodbye, i wouldnt survive this goodbye, so when god mean to take all those from me then please take me with them, for what should i still be there ?

When those who i love are all together without me, at a place where we all could be happy together, this sounds like paradies, the place where i belong to and where i could be happy.

Seriously the last days i had alot of thinking about in my head, theres not a llot people who would miss me or would care about me. Some of those dont know how i feel, what i wanna say all the time.

I m like num the only thing thing what i feel is when the blade rush trough my skin, the blood runs trough my body, this all what i feel and it would never change it, nobody cares whats going on.

Sometimes i regret it to take the pills for a few month just the last step out of all this what some called LIFE, it would be all much easier when im not here anymore, the blade just help me in the moment maybe some minutes but when when the blood stop running theres the life back of hate, bullying, being fucked up ad being alone where no one cares  ….

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life ?

My Soul is one of those that never can be fixed

Sarah

 

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The probertly biggest and most important decisions i need to choose in my life, in the next few days maybe weeks, but so soon as possibole is better

… Well …

.. I know that i need to choose now a way how my life
will continue ?

Which way i wanna choose ?

What comming next ?

and to know that i need to choose a way which i wanna run, scares me as hell .. Cause i know i could choose the wrong way and xcould hurt people or could lost people ?

I never talk to this here with anyone, cause this i need to choose for myself, complete alone, then this decision would change my life .. A New life, a new part of it ..

The last 23 years of it was not the best ones sure i had some good times but when im honestly i had more bad as good ones .. Someone said a life and what you going through make you out ?

Well this would explain why im such a emotional mess and wrack ! .. Everyone has these shit people in their life and you always pray when they start to let you alone ..

Now im at a point where i have three options in my life and i dont know which one i should choose cause this decision would be my new life, my new start

1. I still could stay here, at thome find a new job and try to life my life as it is atm, try to make it better and hope it will, but 23 years sucks so why should it change it now ?

2. I wanna move to Berlin, 540km away from this problems that i had here in cologne, i start a new life, put everything to 0 and learn about all that what happend and try to make it better as now ?

3. In the last 4 weeks i really thought about that to leave germany forever, and when i mean forever then really forever, i just would come back to meet my mum and my friends for a couple weeks thats it. I know it would be so hard, harder as i actually knew, me alone in a complete diffrent land far away from here, diffrent languages everything. Say goodbye to my Mum and my couple friends, goodbye to my old life ?.

 

Hard Decisions to choose, but i wish this would be my only problem 😦 ..

I know that i still have a tough way to go, but first of all i must try to fix my life, to fiy all my problems and i know i cant take this by my own, i need help, professional help, maybe some now think im insane or whatever but when you live my life you also need professional help, for me was it not easy to really choose it to search for professioanl help ..

But alone i will not fix everything, nothing, i cant lay every night in my bed and cry all the time about my fuck life and everything … in the last weeks/month i told my girls all the time im fine its getting better and better but i lie, i lie cause i dont want that they are scared about me. I know i did in the past some stupid stuff. and thats why i said nothing.

But now im at a point where im at the end of my physical excistens, im exhausted about everything. For me its not easy to write this here ..

In the last days/weeks i also got the feeling that i loose the conection to my girls completly, sure that we not everyday anymore is okay but it feels like i would talk to stangers and this is scary, just with 2 girls i really talk and there are now closer to me as they ever was, im just scared to loose the other 2.

We have a whats app group on my mobile i put this on mute cause why should i write something when sometimes no one react ? .. so maybe she will stay for a long time on mute and i write every 3 or 4 day something we will see 😦 ..

 

… Help .. ???

Sarah ..