3 years ago I decided to live

Hey,

I´ve been thinking about this quite often in the past few weeks, what i all missed, who i wouldnt meet just because i choose to give myself another chance and choose Life.

To look back now, its been now almost 3 years since i thought and almost attempt to commit suicide. I´ve changed so much in the past 3 years i never thought i could actually live a life where im about to accept myself how i am.

Yes i can still remember everything of this night and how thankfull i am for my friends who helped me out if this situation, its hard to look back to think about all this, but now im glad i choosed to give the life a second chance, i would missed so many good memories, havent meet so many amazing people that i truly love now.

Ive been through hell and i dont know how, but i got out of it, theres actually days where i enjoy to spend time outside, to smile ( and really mean it ), just to enjoy life. Ive been clean from self harm since 447 Days and im really proud of myself, my scars are fading, of course im strugle a lot the past years but i never had the urge to cut again, never, i foudn other ways like listen to music, talk to my friends or whatever. I gave a promise to someone who helped me a lot he is one of the reasons why im clean now and i promised to stop and ive meet him last year again and he is so proud of me that ive made it so far, hes been through all of this too and know how hard it is. To know someone is proud of me is one of the best feelings cause i know im doing something right.

Im surrounded by so many wonderfull people who help me so much ” we are all in this together”, it woul break my heart to dissapoint them and thats why im trying my best to Keep my head up. Theres way to many things i wanna do before i die ( yes ive made a before i die list ).

I just treat myself from time to time for staying strong, i mean next month i visit manchester again and to spend a week there, yeah i know i hear my Anxiety calling because i visit it all by myself, but i have to … i have to try to “get over” the anxiety i just hope i dont get to bad …

Just to  think about it to get away soon makes me happy. Im glad ive made this decision 3 years ago, life is Precious so dont throw it away, look at me now.

x Sarahtumblr_mxtayxtgs01rimr6yo2_500

My Year 2013 a little flashback to everything what happend

 

Hello People,

 

Another Year is over, another drama ends .. lets end this year with a big bang or a big hangover. This year was probertly for me one of the stressful and hardest years ive had. Im Glad its over and i hope the new one 2014 is a little bit better to me as 2013 was.

As you know from my 2012 Post i seperate each month in a blog so its better to read. But what i can happy say 2013 wa defently  a big concert year for me so lets start with my little throwback of 2013.

I will link in each month my Blog post that ive post in that month might you miss something interesting.

 

January :

A New Year a new start right?. Well at this year started i knew it cause number 13 in the year thats this Year dont be a good one to be honest. Gladly my Year started with a new Concert from a German Band Called “Jennifer Rostock”, when you understand german you should check them defently out. Ive done my best to get a new Job i really tried and at alomost the end of January i had finally some Luck at my Site ive got a new Job as a Florist it should start in Febuary and i was really happy about it.

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/01/08/the-new-year-better-and-happier/

 

Febuary :

My new Job begun i was really really happy about it, i had a really really nice workmate and whe had together a lot of fun sadly we had a hard winter in this Month, normally i love Snow but this was really hard i mean at Valentines day Snow not really good huh?. Also the Month stated with a Amazing concert from the Band Natives/We the Kings, they are really good live. For me then point ive got a job was really important i had finally something to look forward to to have something to get out of the bed and all this, to start a new chapter of my lfie, i really thought finally ive got some luck in my life. At Valentines day a really hard day in my Job as a Florist, i had a Concert at the end of my 11Hours Workday i was really exhausted but totally was looking forward to it, it was from The Blackout/Set it Off/Yellowcard, the first time i saw each of them live. Ive spent this night with one of my most important friends in my life called Miss Sophie, we had a wonderfull time together. At the end of Febuary ive went to another Concert, yeah 3 concert ina month are allot haha it was from Blitzkids/Lower Than Atlantis the 2 time i saw Lower again aqnd they totally killed the show.

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/02/02/friendships/

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/concerts-the-feeling-there-where-you-belong-to/

 

March :

A Happy Month i finally got some new colour under my skin, finally At the beginning of March ive got the writing ” Never a failure always a lesson on my right chest and at the end of the month 3 Butterflys, its not done already there a many more thigns that get ad to it but its all really expesive so i need to wait to get more.

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/03/19/music-the-escape-of-life/

 

April :

Sadly at the end of April i lost my new job,  cause my ex Boss need to close the Shop where i worked so i was back with no job, it really depressed me after this cause obviously i was not even be able to have a Job and some Luck in my life, i was really sad about it, i had fun at this place :/. I tried my best to not fall back into a bad mood again and im not proud of it that i cut in this time a few times again, im really not proud of it and no one really knows abaout this, i just felt worthless and too dumb to even hold a stupid Job i know it was not my Fault but i felt really worthless that i didnt done my best what i can :(. I was just alone in this tough time. I was glad that i concert kind of helped me to stop cutting, a Band called Imagine Dragons, their song Demons is my song he has one of the most beautiful lyrics from their record ..

Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Thats just a snipped of the Song but it really helped me and still has now at the end of the year a huge Positive vibe for me and it helpes my kind of when im falling back into the dark times to not to cut to be strong and to stay it.

 

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/04/24/suicide-thoughts/

 

March :

The new Month without a job … yeah that was kind of hard for me .. i went to a concert at the beginning of the Month from We are the in crowd/Never Shout Never, yeah i had fun there but it was not like the same time to be honest … normally music is the thing for me that helps me a lot when im sad or when no one is there to talk to, Music helps me in so many ways, sometimes my situation and how i feel dont understand everyone thats also why i stopped to talking about all of my problems in my life, sometimes they dont seem to care about it or they dont understand it, its always the same thing always.

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/thoughts-over-thoughts/

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/music-concerts-my-escape-of-life/

June :

A Happy Month beginning, i took the train to my babes in Berlin, i really missed my babes so much, i really hate the distance between us, it makes it all not really easy, i wish they would right next to me and i would be able to see them every single day, spent so many hours a day with them and just cuddle them all day, but how we all know life sucks and they live 540 km away from me. Ive meet them last Year and im really happy about it we are all really close with my babe from Euskirchen and from Ebern, no one can ruin our friendship that we have and always gonna have. Its a connection between us thats hard to explain really, we meet and we already knew we have so many things in common and a invisible band between us that no one could ruin or cut. Ive spent a whole week in Berlin and had really much fun up there i went to Missys Birthday with my gal Claudi and we had a wonderfull cosy night. The day i left Berlin was for me really sad, i already missed these wonerfull gilrs  i knew that i saw them really soon back but it hurts everytime.

And this soundcloud message in my Link here is a relly impressing thing i mean listen to it and tell me what you think, its kind of scary somehow

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/06/01/suicide-soundcloud-message/

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/stop-bullying-and-act-normal-like-everyone-else-ele/

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/a-wonderfull-place-to-feel-free/

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/be-who-you-are-and-dont-change-yourself-for-others/

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/06/29/the-society-perfect/

yeah i post a lot in june

July :

What to say about July it was atually a really quiet month, i tried to survive this month, not much happend just the event here Kölner Lichter an event to celebrate some fireworks in cologne, i went there with my beautifull gal Sophie, Jenny and Isa, at the beginning we had a lot of fun, we drunk some cocktails and laughed a lot at the end so about 2 hours before everything started, a men tried to piss me off and the other i tried to annoy some people and pushed us away from our place so whe had no chance to see the firework sometimes people ask me why i hate people so much well this is one the reasons there are all big douchebags and piss me off. After that Event we went to a Cocktail bar and drunk a little bit and after might 2 hours we went home, it was a really sweet day. That was it actually this month. My Lovley Elli introduced me a guy called Dan and he made Youtube Videos and this was the beginning of a really intense addiction.

i Didnt even bloged in this month.

August :

A Quiet lame month i spent probertly 30 days in my bed and was  much depressed about everything adn the whole world.

September :

A really good Month Kind of, my babes from Berlin visted me here in my Hometown cologne and i could show them where i live. My First Babes claudi came in the last week of september to go with my and Sophie to an Concert of Set it off/Tonight Alive. She brought her friend Sarah with her she is a really sweet girl im friend with her too :). We had there a lot of fun. We jumped and screamed sung all the song from the Boys after their performance we went to the Merch and bought some stuff from them and waited outsied to meet them, we waited really long some of them thought no one would love to see them so they went back in the house but we ask one to get them out and luckly the came out so we made some pictures got some autographs these boys a really really nice we had a wonderfull time there. It always make me extremly sad when my babes need to leave me again me and Sophie brought them to the Bus station and had a heartbreaking goodbye. I went with Sophie and some more friend to the concert at Saturday to Sleeping with Sirens/Hands like House/ The Getaway Plan/ The Summer Set sadly my body decided to hurt like fuck and i need to leave early so i dindt saw much of the show.

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/09/25/friendship/

Oktober:

Another wonderfull Month my babe Missy visited me for a whole week in my hometown and i was really really happy about it. It took her probertly 7 hours to be here with me but i was really happy to have her here. We did a lot of things we went shopping and visit Sophie at her place for a little suprise we talked a lot and laughed a lot, just a wonderfull time sadly Sophie left us to drove to Poland and couldnt make it with us on Sunday to a Concert of The Blackout, Claudi came at Friday to go with us to that Concert we had a lot of fun the boys are so nice and sweet, i never heard of them before Elli and Claudi introduced me their music last year im really thankfull for this. Aftr a Wonderfull week they left me to go back to Berlin and to Hamburg to see them again cause its their Fave Band. I was really sad that they left me. I Hope im able to see them soon again i really miss them and just the skype calls make it not better the missing thing.

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/the-diffrence-between-a-fan-and-a-stalker/

November :

The Magical Month omg ive waited for this day so long first of all i saw this month Imagine Dragons again the 2 time and for the very very first time i saw Panic! at the Disco, i was a really happy Girl at this day, i meet so many new people there, which i gonna see next year again at a Panic! and a Fall out boy Show. Its so amazing the show was really amazing i mean we talk about Brendon Urie haha. It was a amazing show and i was a bit sad that ive got no Plectru from one of the boys, so i got home with a Tshirt and a wristband that ive bought and change my clothes to sleeping ones and then i felt something weird in my bag and it was a freaking plectrum i didnt even know that i got one i was really happy, jumped trough my whole room, that defently made my day even better as it already was. Few days later i went to the Imagine dragons show its was really cold outside i waited almost 7 Hours outside to get into the front row what i already was then the 2 Opening Bands they were ok but they didnt beat Imagine dragons, there were really perfect again and they sung again Demons my Fave i really tried not to cry its really a song that touches me a lot and i also want i line tattoed on my arm to remind me im strong and i can do it. I went out of the hall really happy and smiling.

December :

Well the last moth of the year the countdown to close the chapter 2013 and open a new one called 2014. It was a really rough year and there a lot of things that i dont want to talk about here cause i dont know whos gonna read this here some things that im not really proud of doesnt know anynone not even my friends andi think it wouldnt be good if they knew it so i keep it for myself … might someday i tell it but now im not ready fir this. Im really Glad this year is now over at one site ive meet so mane new Poeple, had so many amazing moments, but theres still to many dark moments in my life that i need to sort out kind of i dont know how to be honest that the dark parts of myself seems like there were a important part of myself and i think i would miss them i let them go. Probelty they never would leave me, we all have our own demon inside of us some of us know how to keep them inside and some of us dont we are a bit broke and the demons always find the place were we broke to get outside and destroy us.

all i want for 2014 is some more luck in my life to let people who hurt me over and over again go, and stop letting treating me like a fukcing doll, i have trust issue and all this makes it not even better . I will try to be a better Person to be happier, to spend some more time outside, probertly all by myself, and theres a lot of thing i need to talk about with a few of my friends theres things who need to talk about cause i think theres walls between some of my and my friends that i things when it would change something soon it ends by the fact we are no longer friends anymore. I just need to sort my life get a new Job and looking forward this is all what i need to do i know it will be hard even when its the last thing i do.

https://themostpreciousatlife.wordpress.com/2013/12/20/you-can-stand-still-but-the-world-and-everything-else-is-moving/

2502 words later … Im thankfull for all people who spent some time with me this year i love you all from the bottom of my heart and i hope i will spend with some of you some more time next year too

xx Sarah

 

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You know you already loose to stay strong when you start missing how it feels how the blood runs down you arm/leg while cutting, the feeling how everythings getting unreal.

Hey Readers,

 

It the last weeks i really start thinking about a lot of things, some good and some not really good things, or what happend in the last few month and weeks.

In the last weeks ive had a lot of problems with my body and dont really know whats going on but something is nor right.

Honestly im really scared about that what maybe could say the doctor tomorrow to me, i know that something is wrong with me and with my body, i feel , i mean , i start shaking all day, my heart start to race 2 or 3 times a day while i do nothing, 8 times a day i have a cardiovascular collapse and this each day, i start loosing weight ( good i must loose some ),  but i didnt change anything so why i loose 20kg, i get panic attacks everday, im getting by everything what i start to eat so bad stomache pain really bad one, i know  something must be wrong i mean this all is not normal seriously.

Im so fucking scared about that what the doctor could find tomorrow i mean we have some familiar issues like ( cancer, diabetis , heart problems, throid problems and some more, this is maybe not the best fact to looking foreward and to hope that all is getting better or right, it doesnt look good 😦

Im really confused right know and im scared just the fact to start thinking about tomorrow scares me like hell .. Sometimes i really wish i had something bad and would die really soon just get away from all this shit, but then im just 23 years old im so young why i should have something bad ? … I know to get some issues get everyone it doesnt care the age.

I wish someone could go for me tomorrow, at one site i dont wanna know what i maybe could have and what not, who wants to hear some bad messages what he maybe could have. I mean yesterday i was by the eye doctor yeah and there was the first shit message and infektion in my eye that maybe never go away, sometimes i think i never gonna be that healthy ….

 

— life sucks and this will never change —

 

Some of you know about the hard and sad things about my past and i must promises some people to stay strong and get my hands away from a few things but honestly right know this is the hardest fight i always begun to fight, everything looks now so easy a bottle alvohol and some pills and everything is done, pills enough are here, its all that easy  …

Or how much i miss right know the feeling how the blood runs down over my skin, how warm it is, and how it feels that your thought are not that loud anymore, they are far away, you are free from everything you are just there in this moment, every problems are far away, everything is good, its like you would left your body for a min maybe just seconds but i really miss this feeling right know so bad and i must fight so hard right know against it to grab the blade and start to cut myself.

I wish someone could save me right know, just grab me and bring me back of this place this life and this thoughts, but this is not the right way, when i run away know from this it gets me maybe so soon but someday .. and then its maybe even worst as it maybe actually was ??

 

— Can anybody here me, or am i talking to mself ? —

 

I dont know im scared, confused and weak right know, i start to left all this behind me to start to get away from this then this is not healthy and not good  .. i need to stay strong .. for these people i gave a promise and these who care about me thats maybe not a lot but there are some, people who i love and really need right know but sadly they cant be here by me, they are not by my side right know .. and this is hard a few are just 500km far away and there are the others they are over 15.000 km far away this kills me actually .. i miss them all so bad .. its not fair to find people who you need and love that they are live so far away from you , and you didnt see any day when you have them around you … all this makes it not really easy to stay strong : (

 

— to stay strong is the most hardest fight against yourself —

 

i need to focus my mind on something good, just something complete diffrent, something good … to get my thought away from all this bad, its ot good to get a breakdown right know, its not good at all. I tried my best to get away from self-harm, suicide thoughts and all this. The life can be sometimes such a big bitch, a bitch you always need to fight against all it.

 

 

I wish this fight would stop right know, i just wanna live a happy and lucky life, being healthy and all this. But this is just a dream ….

x Sarah

 

Im back in my world where i belong to, where im happy and all this i just need to thank the same person who saved my life.

Hello Readers,

As you already read in my old blogs, you read that i was scared to loose the connection and the love to my band Sons of Midnight, it was hard for me to realise some thing, it was really like i would die in my body,my heart would break, everything hurts, too look at the pictures, to hear the music everything ..  so i decied to stop all this, i put everything away, it was hard for me really hard. but it was something that i need to do ..

I start to forget some thing start to forget how the lyrics was maybe just a protecting reaction of myself i dont know, it was weird my girls still talking about them and i was like yeah great whats next ?

A litte piece of me was still miss them but it was really little an i was scared that i maybe loose them forever cause it was not like how it was for month it was just a memorie 😦 .

But in the last days i decided to put the pictures all back on my wall, i dont wanna give up i dont want to loose some important people in my life, i cant give up like a weak person i must fight against myself, fight against all the bad in me whats telling me its not good anymore to be a part, and then happends this what ive never expected, they postet the news of their 2 Single and i start to feel happy a little smile was back on my face, cause it was my fave song, MY FAVE SONG !!

Its started to feel happy, then the Sons of Midnight account replied to something what i wrote i was really shocked at this momentan they wrote

– two hands Sarah and Sophie you guys are the sweetest!

This saved everything this gave me a reason back to believe back to thought about a future with them sounds weird but this is the truth. I was not really happy the last weeks an this gave me my smile back. first i was confused but know im just happy 🙂

And then later i didnt wrote him but he wrote me something and i was like frozen as i saw that he wrote me, and then the tears start to roll my face down, but it was happy tears

– stand up for love , hope your still pumping it #keeprockingirl Xo much love –

Conrad seriously this gave me all my hope back, everything that ive lost in the last weeks it was back i dont know how much i can thank you for this you know you are a really important person for me cause you know what happend in the past with me an helped me out of this, it was hard to hold this promise that ive gaved to you, honestly i thought about it to break it cause there was so many things in me that i wouldnt believe cause it hurts to bad … but i promised it so i stayed strong for you … and hold it i just break it a little bit cause ” Self-Harm” but it doesnt matter …

Im so thankful for this message, I really miss all of you Mitch ,Peter, Maui, Matt and you, its hard to miss the other piece of my own heart, and to not know when you boys come back makes it not even better, but i still hope you come back cause all 6 Midnight Madams miss you boys terrible it really hurts …. i cryed a lot just in cased to miss you.

So dont stay too long away, we miss you all and cant wait to get you all back in our arms for some of the best hugs in the world

I Love you Boys

xx Sarah

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