Sometimes it felts like i wouldnt move forward with anything im at a point where im asking myself, the same questions
Why are you doing This ?
Why are you deserve it to be treated like this ?
Where did i go wrong ?
Is it all my fault ?
I think everyone in his life has this thing called “crisis” well i have mine since almost 4 month and im actually at i point where i dont know if im still good enough in things that ive learned, am i ready to start something new , just am i really ready for this. Im honestly not quiet sure what i should do or with what i should start … there so many thing i actually should do to get out but im still here at the same point at the same place and everything else is still moving, everyone start to plan things, going out and all this and im here.
Here with no idea what i should do with my life now .. how i should move forward to cause everything what i do seems to be wrong or end wrong. I never asked for many things in my life, i always needed to fight for everything in my life and all what ive got was bullshit … im not a person who is to fine to work with dirt or something else, all what i ever wanted to do, is to work in a job that i love with amazing people .. but the last jobs ive had where horrible, i was always the stupid one who did everything wrong.
But now its getting serious i dont want to live from the money of the Land here, i want to work thats defently not the point, i do all what i can and have but it seems its not enough obviously.
Everyone around me seems to move on, know what to do next planning trips, meeting people and other amazing things yeah and then theres me the little black dot that dont belongs in there, no job no Future right ?!
I dont know what to do i did all what i can do .. i just want to work as a Florist what ive learned, and also loved and still do at some point.
Every single day i woke up and asking myself and now ? What to do now everyone you know is at work or has no time and you sit like every single fucking day at home getting depressed each day more and more and panic attack about the fact the time is running what is with my Future, what to do now, my life need to change. Something need to happen soon .. im honstly not quiet sure how long i will stay strong .. im feeling myself every day more and more worthless about the fact im to dumb to get a fucking job, seriously how dumb do you need to be fo getting no job …. i try all what i can do, i really do … but all what i doo seems to be unnecessary …
A stopped talking with people that i love about all this what is going on in me and with what im fighting the last couple month i think no one gonna understands my situation right now .. to stand infront of a long way where no end to see .. im running and running but theres no end … its like a fucking labyrinth where i dont need to find out.
Theres sometimes for a short minute the thought i could bring it all withing seconf to an end, to a point where i dont need to fight anymore .. one jump, one cut just one wrong move .. it would be so easy … really easy .. But then i remind myself i would hurt people with it, they were sad when i would leave or would they or ?
A Person has alot of faces to show in life … the happy one is one of my Favorits .. no one ask you how you feel, whats going on, how your day was, cause it seems everything is good how it is.
Sometimes i think its might better when people wouldnt know how you really feel and with what of thought you are fighting with, i dont want to pull people with me in this little black hole that im in and probertly also gonna stay for a while, people who are depressed and suicidal for a very long time are amazing actors, the can show you the beauty side of your life that doesnt excist while there dying inside with to many things and questions.
I always got told your job that you lost wasnt good for you it wasnt the right one .. well its was might true but i had one, i had money to pay everything, yes my life was a mess in this time my health was probertly not the good one but i had a job … I know when 2013 end i need to find an end of this, i need to theres no other chance and when it is the last thing i do, i just need to..
The time is running faster and faster each year … i want to reach something in my life .. i want to move away from here .. visit other places and stuff that everyone seems to do except me .. im here .. all by myself … …everyday … every night …
I dont know if this what ive wrote here makes any sense i just pulled it out .. thats it