Hey World,

We all know how it feels it be alone, no ones there to talk to, or someone you can call or anything else. For people like us it can be a really dangerous situation, we are not save in situations likes this, we always try or even promise to stay strong but sometimes, our thoughts are louder that any promise we ever gave.

For us every dark situation, every bad thoughts are a non stop battle against ourself, we alwas try to win but sometimes we need to accept that we loose. We all have or might had a lot of battles against ourself or still batteling, its a never ending fight. In times like this some dont really know what they want for me personally i wish i could write a person that i need them in this time really bad ( might some of you feel the same ) but i cant, i was never a person who asked for help or anything.

Over the past month and years i become to an really god actor to play the perfect role, the perfekt smile happy face to show yeah of course everything is fine i put my mask on and played the game but at the inside i was dying everytime a little bit more.

Sometime people ask me if im ok or not, but even then i lie to them cause i dont want that they know about my real problems whats ive been battle against, or whats in my head and in my mind, i was 2 times at the point to give them all an end, 2 fucking time, sometimes i sit at a train station and think well one jump and its over .. just one step …

But then i remind myself abput something, theres something that helped always when i feel bad and alone and when no friend is there, its the music for me something really important, she is always with me and i know which song i need to choose, i know which band helps me with their lyrics, its like they understand me, what ive been going through or all what thinking about in this situation they are there for this moment and they say these words that i need, Bands like

– Simple Plan

– Linkin Park

– Good Charlotte

thats just the top theres some more and these are the band that i normal listen to in times like these when i just need someone.Musix and specially these Bands are my lifesaver, so many times they helped me, so many times they stopped me when i was start to cut again what no one of my friends knows ..

Theres always a  small line between giving up and stand up again to fight the battle from the beginning. I really Love my Friends but they have all so many problems and i dont want to bother them with mine too, the deserve so much more to be happy, to smile and to enjoy the life. My Friends are my everything if you hurt them you hurt me too. There are also my lifesaver they helped me in the past so often, theres no us without you and me. My Babes are my heart and my soul, i know that i fight all this battles for them that i need to be strong for them, we all need to be strong for everyone, when one person gives up, then we all fall, 2 girls saved for almost 1,5 years my life, but they wrote me they was there and im really thankfull for this i really am. Without them i wouldnt be here anymore.

Day by Day we fight, we have battles with others or with ourself, we get everytime a little bit stronger out of the fight yea we loose sometimes but we need to look forward to, do it for the people who loves you and who you love.

Dont forget Bands are always there and Listen


Im Proud of you, you are still here xx




Clean since 36 days


Love is Love no matter which Gender you or your partner are.

Hey People,

Pretty often in the news or in the Television the Love between two men or two woman is still a big deal, or in diffrent countrys like russia its not allowed to live in a releation ship like this, its not allowed to fall in love with the same gender.

Some kind of people still think that something is wrong with thoose people or they are sick or disgusted by them, sure everyone has a own view of all this, but i cant understand this LOVE is LOVE, no matter what even wehen you have the same Gender. I really cant understand people who start hating people who Love the same Gender they are all human the same like we are they Love someone truly and do the same things that Man and Woman do in their relationship, the only diffrence is the Gender and actually this shouldnt be a thing to hate someone for.

We are all human and we are all looking for love and searching for someone who we can love and spend the rest of my life with, no one should ever get hated, bullied or offend for something that makes himself happy.

I think we all live in 2014 now and it shouldnt be a big deal anymore for getting arrested just because you LOVE.

Selena Gomez an actress, singer and all round talent had a World Tour in 2013, she had plannend to play a few concert in russia, she is a suport for same Marriage and Love, her Visum for Russia got denied cause she supports it, theres not just russia where people get problems. In the USA theres still some states where its not allowed to marry the Love of your life just because the same Gender.

Like in the Soccer career its still not a thing to talk about “Outings” its still a forbidden thing cause they are to scared to get attacked from Fans or even other Soccer player. In Germany a ex- National player called Thomas Hitzlsperger. After he left his football career he admits that he is Homosexual. He was to scared to talk about it in his career but after he left his Job as a Soccer he found the strenght to talk about it.

Also some Youtuber called Tyler Oakley and Troye Sivan found the strenght to talk about it, they are both homosexual and they show it and are proud of it, Troye shot a Video 07.08.2013 when he admits the whole world that he is gay, he filmed a Video called Comming out “Link below”, he talks about it how he felt and everything you should watch it if you are scared to have you own comming out.

— > <—

Theres so many people in the world who are Homosexual or Lesbian

– Ellen Degeneres

– Ricky Martin

– Elton John

– Lance Bass

– Jodie Foster

and many many more.

You cant judge people for what they love and live for, when you look on the street or at the train station in someones  eyes you cant see if they ot not, all what you see is a wonderfull human who live.

People who get hated or bullied mostly start to self-harm cause they cant stand the hate what they get, and they didnt even deserve this, they start to loose the happiness in they life and get depressed and really sad, sometimes it sadly end with suicide just because they open to people that they Love someone who seems to be in their eyes not right . So many people died of suicide just because getting bullied or something else in some country all over the world they also get killed because of this, or they get sexual abused. Itsnot right and never will. Sometimes i feel very sad and really angry why people are so stupid andy why they hate something where they dont have a clue from. They just listen to other people ot the newspaper what they say that dont even have a own oppinion so people make me sick, let them alone.

For me personally one of my uncle admits almost at christmas that he is homosexual and i was happy about it cause he talked with us about it and for me its wasnt a big deal a still love him cause he is still the same person, lots of my school friends are now lesbian and now, nothing they all found someone who they really love and this makes me happy, i personally dont judge someone for the point that he or she love the same Gender or might both who know. I honestly wouldnt say no to a wonderfull woman when she ask me to do kiss or something, and would you be Honest to yourself you woulnd also say no when “Jennifer Lawrence/Megan Fox) ask you ;).

We all have a tough time in our life we try to do the best what we can we have all trouble at work with family and friends or something else and all what we dont want is to get judge for something thats actually normal but for some people its nor right or wrong or thoose people are sick.

Please let thoose people alone and let them live their own life its not your fucking deal do bully, judge thoose people they are lovley and sweet wonderfull people and they deserve to be happy. Dont be jeleous just because they found the love of their life an you dont.

I do and always will Support them

Thats all what i want to say



Theres no diffrence right ?

Within Seconds falling in a really dangerous and bad mood



Laughin at one time and just sec or might minutes later all what you ever could wish for is to die right now, jump infront of a train, cut so deep that you die. The hate against yourself is getting bigger and bigger, you get more disgusted from yourself and hate everything about you. Yeah i falling back into the dark place of me and no one knows about this, i try to hold my happy face as much as i can so no one gotta know how fucked up i am at this time.


No one care and never will


The thoughts of dying are really often there, when i stay at a train station or need to go to the doctor or anything else, just to stand there and thinking about the easy way to leave this bullshit here, jump infront of a car but this probertly wouldnt even kill me, it just would break my bones, i think to die while you jump infront of a car wouldnt be much high ….

I never tried it, i wouldnt i would never try or at the end do it  … i really think someday i die of commit suicide and i dont want any help thats things i deal with, the last weeks and last years .. i got out of this for a while i really was for a couple of month really happy laughed really and all this but at the moment the darkness is just there again … no one knows it .. cause i know how much of my friends are dealing also with things like that and we all have our own problems so i dont want to talk with them about it. They probertly the only people who would understands me but i dont want to. I dont want to talk to anyone about this … it just shows how weak and fucked up i really am and this is a site that no one should ever see or know about me.


To die would be an awfully big adventure


Its like i would drowning, im now at a point in my life where i dont know what to do … i dont even see myself standind in the future having a good running life, a job that i love and do things i ever wanted to do, life is just exhausting you need to do things you dont want to do, and smile even when you would prefer laying in your bed and crying the whole time. Theres no point at the moment to hold on to, something where i could say yeah i have something to work on to make something better or anything else … no theres just me with no future, just nothing …

I have tomorrow a appointment with a lady which should help me to get a way back into work life and all this but the fact to go to her creeps me out i get panic attacks already about the thought to talk with a stranger about my situation right now and why i dont have a job, i cant really tell her that the thought of getting a new job freaks me out at the moment to work with people that i dont know, people who probertly judge me by the way i am or maybe how i look …

I know i cant really know how they are and if they would judge me, but this is in me and i cant change these thoughts, i really cant i have a chance to get a new one but the fact i need to call this person to ask for the job i need to call a stranger and ask for something, thats something i cant do, i cant.

I wish my life would be diffrent, easy like some others are, i wish i wouldnt freak out about stuff like this wouldnt wish me things like dying i really do but thats probertly things i deserve, counting the days where im finally at the end of this bullshit and free.

All what we can do is hoping for a better day and to survive the night … right ?

Sarah …





Tried her best till the very end ..




Be replaced by other …




I think we all had this feeling someday in our life, the feeling o not good enough anymore or that others stop to care about you, you seems not anymore important to them, you see how they speak with other everyday more and more and with you, maybe twice a week. 

We all start in our early years to make new friends, find people or better said little kids that we have somethin in common, but we all start to grow up really fast when we start to go in school we change ourself and the things we love and our personality. Sometimes we all cant hold the friendship to our first friends in live and we start top replace them with other that we start to have more and more in common we start to loose the connection to them and stop to care anymore about them.

We meet a lot o new people on our journey of life and sometimeswe loose the people that we thought we love the most adn had the strongest connection too. Its life we all know that. Sometimes its really hard to realise to give up on people cause we changed to much and have nothing anymore in common with this person nothing that you can hold on to. We know how much it hurts to be replace by ther from your closet friend, but sometimes we need to let people go no matter how hard it could be, even how much it gonna hurts, but hold on a friendship where no end is to see, this is not a realy friendship.

Sure for a real strong friendship you need to work for and with it, its work to hod on something like this wonderfull and the hard work need to come from both sites cause otherwise its doesnt even make sens a friendship is from two sites not just from one. When you feel something is wrong with the frienship or with the person just ask whats wrong or that something is not right woth the friendship and you both need to figure out what, cause when the friendship is so important for you as for the other person you will made it, i think no one of you will be replaced by a stranger and you dont want loose the closet person of you that you ever had.

Never forget how much it could hurts being or be replaced by someone else, to get forget and hurt by the Person you thought you love and get loved the most, a friendship is hard work and you need to work on it.

I´ve been replaced way to often from people that i thought they love me for who i am, how i look and all this … but they start talking shit behind my back or we stopped talking or we just stopped to have things in common and they shared everything with it with other and they didnt even care what you´ve been thinking about it.

It hurts like hell to have the feeling of getting might replaced from others or that this person could love others more like you, its never easy to get over something like this, so do something for it, try to figure out what could be wrong and what happend and might you both find a way out and no one need to replaced and you will have a very long friendship you can looking forward to and looking back in the future


x Sarah